raanch

I find that I don't open up here as much as I need/want to and that leaves me not writing posts daily like I prefer to do. I've started writing elsewhere about things I cannot post here, for there are many people who know me that don't quite need to know all of me. I like the act of posting my ramblings on the Intertubes, but some things really do call for anonymity. So posts on raanch may be a little sparse from time to time, but know I am still working on me and am using all the tools I can possibly be willing to at the moment. If you should see me walking down some cyberstreet and you recognize me, please keep it to yourself. Anonymity on the Internet is a very possible thing, but when it's compromised, it's very compromised.

I'm helping out on my employer's last (but unofficial) United Way campaign. I like that I get to do this. I've found that I really do like service work and want more opportunities to do it. The loaning out of me and my IT coworkers to various United Way organizations is amazing. Being able to help these folks out is a big deal to them and that makes it a big deal to me. The things we do are run-of-the-mill for us, but they're time-consuming and often technically challenging tasks for people who have much more pressing duties in their organizations. I'm glad I get to help.

We are having an auction of gifts given to my employer over the past 18 years. The person I'm working with to set up the auction and I approached our president, asking that the proceeds of the auction be donated to the United Way. Persistence pays off, for he pressed once more for this to happen and the people he reports to changed their minds. I think that's just huge and puts good karma into things.

As I was talking with coworkers about the IT work we've done in the various organizations, a comment was made that my personal company "specializes in non-profits." My kneejerk reaction was to say that they'd never pay me my rates! Then I thought about what I'd said and how I'd really like things to be. Unfortunately, I cannot focus on non-profits while starting my business as fulltime self-employment. However, what I'd like to see happen in the next few years is my business growing as such that my employees service most of my clients and I can then donate my service to non-profits. What a wonderful life to lead!

Last night's meeting was a discussion on "Plan the action - not the result." Something occurred to me during the meeting and my friends there were kind enough to let me "talk out" the glimpse of something new to me that was trying to be formed in my head.

Here's the gist:
Paraphrasing what someone shared in a meeting on Sunday, "Insanity is when my actions don't align with my thinking." I'm a good person and when I act in ways that are not in keeping with my mores, I feel bad. My awareness of this has grown significantly and, though I still act out from time to time, it's much less frequently than a few years ago.

Now, in applying this concept of insanity, if I strive to do the "next right thing" in my desire to get a result, I am not bulldozing my way through. If I am spiritually fit, take actions that are in keeping with my mores, am aware of my goal but not invested in the outcome, then I can reasonably know that I am not going to be destroyed/destructive if I don't get what is desired. My perception/attitude/behavior regarding the outcome is what can make or break me. If I'm bulldozing my way to get what I want, then I'm focused on the outcome. If I'm doing things that feel right each step of the way, then I'm focusing on the journey/process and my life is much more serene. I don't feel bad because I've not acted against my mores. If I don't feel bad, then accepting the outcome, whether or not it's the desired one, is no real task.

Someone in the meeting also shared that some things cannot be manufactured, they have to be grown. I like the simplicity of that statement.

The last two meetings I've attended have been on Step 2. (And it's not even February!) "Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity."

I find that Step 2 was actually a little different for me when I first worked the Steps. More like: "Became willing to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity."

I never knew/felt/experienced God (Higher Power, Universe, Great Spirit, The Force) until I worked this program and lived as I have over the past few years. Sure, I went to church growing up (Baptist and Presbyterian), said the blessing before meals, said prayers, sang in child and adult choirs, went to Sunday school, etc. BUT, I never got "conscious contact" or even really believed in this higher power. I believed that some of those people around me believed, but I thought they were a bit off and the others around me that said they believed were really just like me - they were going through the motions because that's what you're supposed to do. Later, my rebellious streak was allowed to flourish and the churches of my family were left behind. I did go to a Metropolitan Community Church in my late teens and (I think) early twenties. That was more a social thing for me. I felt there was much the same mix of oddballs and fakers in there, too.

Now, having worked the Steps and tried to live more and more by these principles, I find I not only have come to believe in a Power greater than myself, but I know this Power is real. I am plugged in and awake. I do not want to lose this connection, for the peace that's available to me is simply amazing.

I have objectively noted that I may be presenting my thoughts and experience in a somewhat overzealous manner. I am sure that were I to hear someone talking like this a few years ago, they would have instantly been branded "religious nut." The thing is though, I don't care if that's what's thought. I know I am not a religious nut, far from it. I am certainly spiritual and I very well may be a nut. The difference is, I'll not try to convert anyone. I'll not force my views upon you. If you want what I have, ask me and I'll talk about it and how I got it. I wish that my communication skills were good enough to actually convey that information, but they're not. I don't think anyone's are. I kinda wish we could do the Vulcan mind-meld so you could know what I know.

The blessing and the curse of this program: I have this wonderful thing that I have to give away to keep, but I'm not really capable of giving it away - only of trying to. If you want it, you have to get it for yourself. But, you're not alone. There are people all around trying to give it to you. We'll try our best to share with you what works for us.

On a sad note:
I now see that what I've gotten through this program is what some people (previously known as oddballs) get through religion. The sad bit is I think there are many more in and out of churches that don't get it and may not ever find a way to get it. A religion underserves the masses by saying it is the only way to find God. May more and more of the masses learn there are many paths, for no one path is right for everyone. I'm grateful to be on mine.

Friday night, went to a new(ish) queer bar with other sober friends. It was nice to be in a gay place that wasn't a dance club. The music was low enough you could carry on a conversation. The lights were up enough you could see who you were talking to. It was a bit like a class reunion, in that I saw several folks I don't see elsewhere. One funny thing happened. I did a double-take twice. This bar had patrons from early 20's to probably 70's or older. The bar stools are silver (like these) and they so looked like walkers when some of these guys would move them and such. I want a barstool walker when I get to that point! I really enjoyed the night. It won't be a frequent thing, by any stretch, but every now and then, I do enjoy a visit. A safe, well-planned, spiritually fit visit.

On Saturday, I was zipping around the HUGE zoo on an electric scooter/hoveround thingy that cost $25 for the day.

Worth.
Every.
Penny.

Got to a meeting on Friday night. Heard a friend tell his story on Saturday night. Went to last night's meeting, too. I like getting to meetings. Why'd I stop going so often?