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I met with Sponz yesterday - that was good. One thing I shared with her is that I find I have more to write about here when I go to meetings. While I do try to work my program throughout my day, the time in meetings is truly focused on my recovery, even if it's by focussing on someone else's! I have really cut back on my meetings and am resolved to address that. I really like my meetings and know the importance of them for me. Spending time with my friends is also very important to me and that's what I've done more of, allowing that to usurp my time in meetings. Well, I have friends in the meetings, some of whom I've not even met yet. Some of whom I've held at arm's length so as to ensure I had time for "more important" friends. Reserving my time and making no plans just in case "something better comes along" is one of my character defects. I've been aware of this more than once, but it's still an easy place for me to be. It's what I know. Time for some change...

I've gotten to do more volunteer IT work over the past two days. It's nice to get away from the facility and do things for folks. I really appreciate the opportunities to be loaned out.

It hurts when someone I love is hurting. Acceptance is so much harder for me to practice when it involves people close to me. I can (providing I'm reasonably spiritually fit) accept the hell outta people I don't know. Bad drivers, rude shoppers, tired clerks, etc. are no big deal. I've grown quite well when I comes to letting their crap roll off my back like water on a duck. But... when someone I'm invested in is funked, I cannot yet let their stuff be theirs alone. Oh, I've gotten better at the meddling and too frequent phone calls - that part of my actions has definitely improved. Still, they are in my head, often popping into the forefront of my mind upon waking or some quiet moment. I worry. I wonder. I doubt. I do not trust God. Then I try to let it go again. I give it back, only to take it back into me in five minutes or five hours. Then I try to let it go again. ad nauseum... Still, awareness is my greatest asset. When I become aware of my actions of rote, I can change them or at least try to. With continuing trying I can progress.

When someone I love is hurting, I want to be there for them, but I cannot fix them and I do not know best what is right for them. All I can do is love them and hope that they will remember that I do love them and am here. The curse and blessing of what I've learned is that I must take care of my own serenity, for without it, I am no good to anyone, especially myself. In taking care of myself, I cannot own anyone else's shit - even one I deeply love - for in trying to own their shit, I stop working on mine and then I'm in double-shit.

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, wisdom to know the difference and patience to learn it.
______________________________
UPDATE 9/29:
Interesting that this was part of the Hazelden daily email this morning:

Surrendering to God the management of all the other people in our lives will free us to better manage ourselves.

But I ain't writing about it...

I'm doing well. MP and I had good conversations this weekend. We held a small dinner party for a friend who's been away on weekends and is now back to stay. Our house was shown yesterday for the first time, so we went and looked at houses. We found one that we believe may just be the one.

Stitches were removed from my foot on Friday and it has been sure nice not having to bag my foot to take a shower! Surgical shoe for two more weeks, so it looks like I'll definitely be doing the "hoveround" thing at the zoo this weekend. I'm ready to start getting active - past ready...

Got to meetings Friday and Saturday nights. Glad I did - I ought to make more...

Got up at 4:55 this morning. That was good. I enjoy my days more when I get up early and take a little time for me. I'm wondering, after my employment is over and I no longer have to be at work at 6:30 in the morning, if I might attend the 6:30 a.m. meeting that's starting next month. That'd be a great way for me to stay in the discipline of getting up and getting going. Though... there is one at 8:00 a.m., too!

Last Friday, I had a nice little post almost complete when our internet connection died. I saved the post, but after several days, I just didn't feel like posting it. Oh well...

I got into a major funk yesterday afternoon and it lasted until about bedtime. I was pure evil incarnate, ready to destroy anyone or anything that crossed me. (including my new ipod nano that was being beaten up by iTunes 7) BUT, I didn't destroy anything. Fortunately too, MP listened to me when he came home and left me alone. I really appreciate his doing that, because I just needed to fume and rant and rave a bit and really didn't want to interact with anyone. Yeah, I should've gone to a meeting, but the way I was, I'd likely have qualified for several counts of vehicular manslaughter or worse. Staying home and weathering the storm was the right move. I made it through it and am OK today. I imagine Sponz and I will talk about it on Monday.

Hooray for progress, for without it, I'd still be a pissy bitch right now!

Everything is all cleaned up with the oldtimer in the previous post and we are both grateful for that.

I'm drawing a blank on what to write today. I'm really happy that I'm getting back to where I was prior to my surgery. I meet with the surgeon tomorrow for a check-up - first since the surgery.

I bought an iPod Nano last night (Apple is selling 2GB refurbs for $99 including shippping) and the Nike add-on for running. I'm going to get me a good pair of running shoes and, as soon as the Dr. says I can, I'm going to learn how to like (love?) being a runner.

I'm plugged into the Universe again and I like it!

I'm off the meds (I last took on at 5:00 yesterday evening.), am taking OTC now and am doing OK. I am happy to say that I am getting back to my old new self, but still have a way to go.

I shared some of what I wrote about yesterday in a meeting last night. An oldtimer I respect took my slapped me around a bit for whining and not being grateful to have the meds. That hurt. The oldtimer left immediately after saying that bit and, thankfully, it was near the beginning of the meeting. I did not leave the meeting feeling worse than when I walked in, though I thought that was going to be the case. Many people shared along the lines of what I had shared and we all ended the meeting laughing. That helped immensely.

Still, what had happened was rattling around in my head when it was time for bed. I wrote an email to the oldtimer. Some of it is here:

I'm sorry, but I need to write this to get it out of my head before I try to go to bed. Please exercise your well-practiced delete keystroke if you don't want to read it.

I am playing what you said over and over in my head. It comes to my mind when i'm focused on nothing. What you said hurt and shocked me. However, it's not the first time I've been slapped by someone in the rooms whose opinion I respect. I've looked for the lesson in this experience and, so far, what I see is that I should look for things to be grateful for in more than one perspective and not to overlook the simple things for the complex ones.

I was, in a roundabout way, sharing how I was grateful to have gained a conscious contact with God and how this "bad" experience with the pain meds has shown me what I really have gained. I am grateful for the relief the meds have provided. It is sad and frustrating and many other things to watch a loved one suffer. I hate that [your friend] has the injuries [your friend] has. I know how such pain can be; I've had my own. I was in no way trying to whine or be an ingrate about having received these meds and I'm sorry that's how my sharing came across. I was sitting there, after you left, thinking of giving my meds to [your friend] and then how wrong that could be. It was so hard for me to stay in that meeting. But I did and I'm glad I did.

My interpretation of what you said was that [your friend] had already had surgery of some sort and was stuck at home, in pain and unable to come to a meeting. I truly felt like crap. My eyes welled up and I felt those chills when [your friend] walked into the meeting. When [your friend] shared, though [your friend] didn't know what had happened, [your friend] talked directly to me and it was a very big deal to me. I'm so glad that what I envisioned was not the case. I'm glad I got to hug [your friend] and talk with [your friend] for a moment.

I was mad at you, mad for your hurting me, embarrassing me, for dressing me down. And for your not staying around so I could address what you said. I'm glad you didn't stay, for I'd have likely tried to talk before thinking about what had happened. I still feel a bit odd and imagine I'll feel a little awkward the next time we meet. I am not mad now and I don't think I'm still hurt, either. I don't know how to describe what I feel, but do know that I am appreciative of the lesson. In my arrogance, I missed the part about simply being grateful to not have great pain. I'll still try to find the more subtle lessons in what I experience, but I will now try even harder to see the obvious ones, too. Plainly obvious things have often evaded me for much of my life. The more I can become aware of what they are, the better chance I have of discerning similar ones all around me.

I still don't quite know how I feel right now. It's certainly some state of uneasiness, but I can't quite get more specific than that.

I'm glad I'm off the meds. I'll flush the remainder in the next few days. I wish I could give them away and am checking with a service organization to see if they can take them. I have my doubts and I will not just give them to someone without a medical professional being involved. My conscience will not allow it.

I'm feeling much better now. My foot hurts, sometimes pretty badly, but "I" feel much better. I'm coming off of the vicodin - just took the first one since about 4:15 this morning. My foot hurts more, but I'd rather deal with the pain than feel like I have on this drug.

MP picked me up for lunch yesterday and we talked about this past weekend. We're OK and I'm so glad we can talk now. We've got an unusual relationship that many people do not understand. It works for us, especially now that we are both growing in the same direction. It's truly amazing to have someone come into my life that is so much a part of it. (We just talked again on the phone and it was another great conversation. I love MP!)

I met with Sponz yesterday afternoon and that helped a lot. Back-Up Sponz (Sponz's partner) was home and we talked a bit, too. I've a new service opportunity and I'm taking it! I'm going to be the webmaster for our district. At the district meeting held on Sunday, they decided they want a website and BUS asked me if I'd like to do it. YES!!! I would and I will! It's a perfectly geeky opportunity for me to do some service work that can prove pretty useful to a lot of people. I'm looking forward to working on this.

After leaving Sponz and BUS's home, I met with FA for a brief bit and we talked for a moment about the weekend and other things. It felt kinda like the times after we've had ill words - kinda emotional hangover-like. He had an appointment at 7:00 and I had a meeting at 6:00, so we just didn't get to spend time like we often do. I hope we can reconnect tonight.

I went to a beginners meeting and it was the right thing to do. I kep my mouth shut and listened and heard from several people I'd never met or heard share. I'm glad I went. I was still unable to feel my conscious contact when we started the meeting. When we ended it, I had chills up and down my spine. That was good. I haven't been able to feel them since I got on the vicodin. They are important to me. Now that the level of the med is lower in my body, they come more easily. I knew they'd come back. I suppose that is faith.

I had talked with Sponz awhile ago about the difficulty in measuring my growth, for there are no static indicators with which to compare how I think and feel now versus other times. She pointed out to me yesterday that being on these meds has been a good thing in that I can so easily recognize what I feel like on them versus being off of them - specifically, the state of my spiritual condition. For that, I am thankful. I've known I was growing spiritually, but I did not know just how integral that connection has become in my life. In the 12 & 12, it says:

"Those of us who have come to make regular use of prayer would no more do without it than we would refuse air, food or sunshine."

I had glossed over that text many a time as just another of the more religious bits of text. Now I know that for me it is true. Though I still may sometimes forget to pray at my "normal" times, I have come to know that I can do it anytime and feel that connection. Not being able to feel that connection feels as though I am deprived of life-sustaining stuff. I need it.

Here comes the ramble...

I do not like drugs. I used to, but not now. I know that God is still here, but I cannot feel my contact with it like when I was not on pain killers. I didn't notice this when I had my back surgery and was on pain meds, for I'd not yet felt conscious contact. Now I have and I know Serenity and I know Peace - and in the knowing, I know I don't have them right now. I didn't expect pain meds (vicodin) to do this to me. I knew they give me a headache and make me warm. I didn't think they'd fuck with my head. I'm not high... far from it. I'm pretty low.

The surgery went well and, though I've not unwrapped my now bruised and swollen foot, I've no doubt that the healing is progressing normally. I'm able to be up and around (I'm back at work) and only have to keep it raised when sitting or lying down. It hurts like hell sometimes, but I've already started backing off the pain meds.

Friday was also my birthday. With the exception of a few good moments, it sucked. Not so much due to the surgery and I don't think so much due to the pain meds. The timing of it was just horribly inconvenient for almost everyone involved this year. I'd rather we'd not even tried to celebrate it. Yes, "tried." As I just finished saying while talking with BDJ:

i'd rather just get together whenever for no reason than "have to" get together at a certain time for my birthday
...
but i really don't like the forced timing of such things
i hate holidays, too

Certainly, the pain meds are affecting how I am reacting to my disappointment in things right now. My spiritual condition is not great. I do not want to drink and I certainly do not want to drug. I need to get to a meeting. I'll meet with Sponz this afternoon and then go to a meeting after that. I was supposed to grab dinner with FA, but I think a meeting is more important to me right now.

I'm certainly inundated with death talk right now, too. What with 9/11, Katrina, deaths in the local news, family talking of deaths within our sphere, anniversaries of deaths... I don't know why I've seized onto death, but I cannot help but catch it as a focal point whenever I encounter it right now.

These meds are making it very easy for me to be depressed. I'll be glad when plain ol' tylenol will suffice.

I have so much to say, but I don' t feel like writing. For if I were to indulge myself, I would likely write THE GREAT AMERICAN NOVEL or I would fall so short in conveying my thoughts that I would feel as though I'd misconveyed.

So... Suffice it to say that I am grateful for continued awareness. Were it not for awareness, I would be lost in so many ways.

Been volunteering IT services for the local senior citizens' resource center today and yesterday. I'm glad my job is loaning me out to do these things. It's much better than dying of boredom at work! (I suppose that doesn't make this sound all that great... It really feels good to be of some use in the community.)

As I am want to ask people complaining about their program being stagnant, "What have you done for someone other than yourself lately?" Well, I can happily say I'm helping people have access to tools that make life better, easier and richer.

Peace.

I've been listening in my car to CD's of a discussion/presentation on "Vision of Islam" and am glad it's about done. It's been an exercise in discipline at times to continue to make my way through the series, but that's not because of it being on Islam. I imagine I'd grow weary of any 8 CD discussion on any religion. I'm glad I'm listening to it, though. It's something I've wanted to read about and finding an audio series of it has brought it into my life much sooner than if I were to wait until I had time to read about it. My time in the program has really helped me in so many ways and one of those is to "take what you need and leave the rest." Were it not for this concept, I'd likely completely miss an awful lot, for having my filters in place to hear only that with which I disagree. Instead, I've heard much that I can relate to and enjoy having been a wee bit enlightened as to the religion of a great number of people in this world. While I will likely never subscribe to any particular religion, I've tasted several things in Islam with which I agree. Granted, like with Christianity, there are some particulars with which I've no agreement whatever. Still, I'm able to see the good of it, too, and in exposing myself to it, I've gained new perspectives on several things, spiritual and mundane.