raanch

I did something yesterday that put me in a bit of a funk. I lied about something that's no one's business. I know I have every right to choose whether or not to disclose things about me. Still, when point blank questions are asked, it feels wrong to lie. Still, it's none of their business.

I'll talk about it in a meeting. I already talked with MP and FA about it. Sponz will get some, too. Fortunately, the funk was short-lived.

Yesterday I was offsite, helping setup a PC lab in a local home where folks with cerebral palsy live and learn skills. Though I didn't get to interact with any of the residents much, it certainly gave me a boost of gratitude. My body is not the best one around, but it functions fairly normally. For that I am grateful. I'm also grateful I was able to help some folks have access to technology that I like so much and that can help expand their worlds.

On the note of health, I had an appointment with another podiatrist yesterday afternoon for a second opinion. This doctor treated me exactly how I wanted to be treated the first time. As such, I'll be going in for surgery on my birthday, Friday, September 8. It's outpatient and my downtime should me minimal. I'm sure some prescription pain meds will be involved. MP will help monitor those. I'm grateful I was persistent in getting the care I want. Performing this surgery now will preempt a much more invasive surgery in later years.

Nightclubbing, nightclubbing,
We’re what’s happening,
Nightclubbing, nightclubbing,
We’re an ice machine,
We see people brand new people,
They’re something to see,
We’re nightclubbing,
Bright-white clubbing,
Oh isn’t it wild?
--Grace Jones

I went with a group of friends to a new 70's & 80's nightclub (Disco Inferno) on Saturday night. It was the first time I've been to a mainstream nightclub in many, many years and the first time as a nondrinker. It was fun. I've been to the local gay nightclub two or three times since I got sober, but it really didn't do much for me. It was nice seeing folks I hadn't seen in a long time, kinda like a reunion, but ya just can't carry on a conversation in a nightclub. (at least not in the ones I've been to...)

Disco Inferno was fun. It's in the lower level of a building where MP and I helped put on the first few drag queen BINGO events that started here a couple of years ago. They've completely transformed it. It was interesting to watch the club fill up and the many stages of drunkeness in the patrons. We left around midnight and there were well over 100 people waiting in line to get into the already-full club. Wow. I'd never have done that, even drunk!

Though I enjoyed myself, it will not become a frequent hangout by any stretch. Still, I'd like to go sometime and just sit in a booth and observe. I've always been a good people-watcher and it's certainly a good place to see some interesting folks doing some damn interesting stuff.

Sure was nice waking up at a decent time on Sunday and not having a hangover. MP and I actually got to enjoy our Sunday. That didn't use to happen either!

I'm in a bit of a quandary. I've research to do to help me make my decision. I want to be completely open and honest, but doing so may cause problems. If I'm not open and honest and still choose to prevent possible harm without telling why, is that good enough? If I determine the situation is very low risk and very unlikely to cause harm, do I proceed? I know these are vague and broad questions. I just need to get the general thoughts out into the Universe right now.

I'm going to do some research now and then I think I'll contact someone who likely has the right kind of experience to help guide me.

And pray...

... just normal life... WTF?!?! "NORMAL LIFE????" How the hell did that happen?!?!

After work yesterday, I hurried home, fed the mutts, started the robomower (love it!!!) and hurried back out to a friend's home. He's newly into PC's, so we geeked out a bit, with me showing him a few sites and tricks. Then we headed out for a coffee and to the 6:00 meeting. We had a good meeting; read a bit of "To Wives" in the Big Book. (Funny - a friend in the meeting said something like: "'To Wives?' It should be THREE! Most of the married guys I know in the program have been married three times!" Later on in the reading, it lists four types of husbands. At burning desire time, I had to note that "there may be TWO wives, but there are FOUR husbands!" It got several of us really tickled.) After the meeting, we joined FA and the three of us went to dinner and had a wonderful time. Then I dropped them off at their homes, headed home myself and was soon in the bed. I think I like "normal." Yeah, I do.

I've gotten up around 5:10 my last three workdays. Normally, I wake up MP around 5:10 and roll over for more snoozing while he gets ready. Then I'm usually up and getting ready by 5:50. I don't know where it came from, per se, but I'm liking the bit of extra time. I've awakened MP and then gone downstairs, where I've done a little chore (empty dishwasher, start laundry), fed the mutts and then sat down with one of my favorite little books, "Enough Dammit" by Karen Salmansohn. I hadn't touched the book in a long while and, wouldn't you know it!? I picked up right where what it was talking about speaks directly to the lessons I'm learning of late. "When the student is ready..." MP heads downstairs and we talk for a moment and then I get ready for work. It's a nice way to start the day.

This morning, I really wanted to stay in bed, for I'd not gotten to bed until after 11:30 last night. I thought about how good I feel when I do get up early and have that extra little bit of productive "me" time. Knowing that doing things that make me feel good are good, and knowing that if I just get out of the bed, there will be enough momentum to start moving, I did and it's proved to be quite beneficial to my day. Getting up this morning was a true exercise in living my life one moment at a time. If I can continue to look at the moment, instead of the whole thing of getting up and getting ready and going to work and, and, and... Then, I've got a pretty good chance at getting up tomorrow morning and starting my day off with a good head.

It's been a long day of training in Flash. Engrossing!

Made two phone calls last night on the long drive home from a client's home. One of them was perfect timing to someone who needed to hear the voice and bend the ear of a friend in recovery. I'm glad I went a-scrolling through my contacts list. We're meeting in a couple of hours for coffee and chatting.

I replied to an email from my aunt last night. She's my father's sister. Here's part of it what I wrote:

You know, I've been afraid of my family for far too long. That has changed. I don't know what we'll talk about and I imagine there may be awkward moments, but I'm up for it. Would you like to get together and visit a bit?

It's something I wouldn't normally do. Such things have served me well in this journey over the past three years. I suppose this is another opportunity to grow. I think it'd make Daddy Bob smile, too.

"Don't dream it, be it." -RHPS

I don't know what to write today. I was writing about "World Trade Center," but I don't want to write movie reviews on here. It didn't funk me out like I thought it would, like "Schindler's List" did. It was good, but very Hollywood; therefore, unreal - even though I knew it was real. Weird. Still, I'm glad I didn't get funked.

Work is calling...

I'm coming to a stronger awareness of yet another characteristic of me. Though I don't believe that my happiness depends on those people around me, I'm finding I often place the people around me in higher stead than the reason I'm at some event or place.

Last weekend is a good example. I was at the conference because I wanted to go and experience it. Instead, I shifted my focus much of the time to the group of friends I was with and then got resentful of the results of my shifting focus.

Last night, I did a similar thing. MP, FA and I are taking a series of free classes offered by a local outdoor sports shop - one per month for five months. If I attend four of the five, I get a free guided overnight hiking trip. I discovered this about two months ago and decided I'd do it - "I" would do it. I also told MP and FA of the class. Regardless of their attendance, though, I planned to take the classes. They both said yes and we all attended the first class last month. The second class was last night (orienteering - cool stuff) and I was hanging at a coffee shop (reading a book on a new project - a big one) before it was time to head to the class. I'd left MP and FA voicemails about where I was and such. FA called back and said he wasn't coming. I got bitchy. I don't yet know about his evening, but mine had a taint of bitchiness before, a wee bit during, and about an hour after the class.

The how's of my bitchiness are for me to talk about with FA and with Sponz - probably with MP, too. However, I've been reflecting upon it today and that's where my initial statement has been formed. Rather than this class being just that, a class (a class I was attending because I wanted to learn what was offered, I wanted to experience doing something I wouldn't normally do, I wanted to interact with people I don't know), I turned it into (in my head) a gathering of friends, a group activity. I shifted focus of why I was there from taking the class to being with my friends. Then, when one of those friends decided not to attend, I saw the event as damaged. I would be remiss not to share that I (ever so briefly) considered not even going! That was truly old thinking. I did not harbor it. I did not feed it. I even chuckled in my head at the stupidity of it. BUT, I did think it.

Now I have more awareness (again???) and I hope to be more conscious of my motive for being somewhere and my tendency to shift that motive when friends become involved. I feel I need to be careful here. Balance is not one of my strong points. I hope I can find in me the ability to have more than one motive - i.e. I'd like to enjoy being with friends at an event, but if my original intent did not involve them, I hope I can stay focused on it but not ignore, be flippant with, or alienate my friends.

Fortunately, MP did come and we learned how to read topographical maps and use compasses. It was fun, even with a class twice the size they expected. I'm glad I went and I plan to continue.

I was talking Granny yesterday and voiced something that I had not shared with anyone. I've just felt it a few times and yesterday was one. I miss Daddy Bob. We only saw each other an average of every eight to ten weeks - sometimes more often, occasionally less. I felt his being gone really hard a couple of weeks ago. Often my visits with him were unplanned. I would have an unexpected bit of time and would just go to his store. I had one of those times recently and the feeling to go visit him was so strong. Time had passed enough since his death that it was time for us to visit again. Now I can't. It makes me well up with tears. I do love him.

I shared this with Granny (my maternal grandmother - Daddy Bob was my paternal grandfather) and, though she has many years of experience and has lost many people in her life, she couldn't say anything more than the same things we always say. And that's OK. I've often been cynical about the platitudes so often said with seeming insincerity about things like a loved one's illness or death. Now I get it. What is there to say? It's not what is said; it's the saying. It's the sharing. It's what I wrote about yesterday - different, but completely the same.

If I'm hurting, I need to talk about it. I need to share it. I know I can write. I know I can pray. Those can help, but I think I get the greatest relief from sharing with someone else, even if all they can do is listen. The thing is, (codependent moment here) I don't want to bring someone down. If I really need to talk, I can. But why "ruin" someone's good mood with my stuff? Why risk it? I know that I cannot "make" them feel anything, but let's get real here. Most people do not own their emotions and do not operate as though what happens to them has no control over their feelings. I know I don't. I question whether I ever will. I think that's the realm of very few humans.

So, when MP was telling me of his wonderful evening, glowing and grinning from ear to ear, should I have told him of my stuff that could quickly bring him down and diminish his joy? I opted for "no" because it wasn't that important. Still, sometimes I've just got to get these things out. I suppose that's where having a bevy of friends to call on comes in handy. But still, I don't know what they're going through, whether they're on Cloud 9 or in the depths of personal Hell or just cruising along at 55. Perhaps I should call them and ask about them first. Maybe then I won't even need to share my stuff. Perhaps then I can make an informed choice whether to share it with them or to simply visit or to let them share with me.

Taking care of myself is not wrong, but it doesn't feel right to cause any amount of harm to someone just so I can feel better. Even if they say it's OK.

I've got something on my mind. It's rattling around in there, but, thankfully, not nearly as badly as it was a few hours ago. I've learned something in my time in this program: talk about what hurts.

I am going to talk with Sponz about what's up and with MP and FA, too. It may stop there or I may share it with more of the people in my program and in my life. I don't yet know. What I do know is that my first thought was to hide it. Then I thought to broadcast it. Then I thought that I probably shouldn't trust my thoughts on this. (Good thought!) So I talked with a good friend about it - I shared it - I disclosed it - I took away much of its power by telling on it. THAT is something I would NEVER have considered or even thought of to consider several years ago. THAT is progress.

I talked with Sponz yesterday about how, for me, it's difficult to measure my progress, but it's easy as all get-out to see how much progress I need/want to make. One thing she pointed out to me is that my awareness of where I want to go is great progress. She referenced a thought I'd shared with her early in our relationship. I had learned it from a course I'd taken years before.

Imagine a pie chart. It represents the knowledge of the Universe. A tiny sliver represents what I know I know. (i.e. how to make a PBJ sammich) Another sliver, bigger than the first, represents what I know I don't know. (i.e. how to fly a jet) The remainder, the HUGE portion, represents what I don't know I don't know. (i.e. well... hmmm... I dunno!)

There is certainly progress in adding to what I know I don't know. The gift of this program to me continues to be awareness. Sometimes I get really tired of my growing awareness. Sometimes I would like to be blissfully ignorant of things I know I know and things I know I don't know. Still, I cannot help but be grateful for awareness. It gives me freedom to choose how I will live my life.

I had a full, possibly overwhelming, weekend. The conference I attended was quite good. Three of the five speakers really touched me - so much so that I bought recordings of their talks. Another touched me, too, but not as such that I wanted to "rehear" it. Another I did not like, BUT was able to get something from the sharing. That's progress, indeed! All in all, I'm glad I attended and I will again. (I just added next year's to my calendar. Thanks for the reminder. You're welcome. Thank you for thanking me.)

The one thing I think I may try differently next year is with whom I attend. Don't get me wrong! I love all four of the guys I was with through much of the weekend. It's just, as I expressed it to MP, I got tired of the group being a power greater than myself. I own all of this and make no bones about it. Fortunately, awareness has allowed me to learn from it. The hassles I put upon myself so that we were all together were... (Well, let's just say I'm glad I got to hear a black belt Al-Anon speak.) Trying to find (and save - I hate saving!) five contiguous seats for each meeting sucked. No one asked me to do it. I did it because I wanted to have a good seat up front and because it was nice. The waiting for people to smoke and use the restrooms was interminable. The trying to come up with plans for lunch sucked. The coordination of vehicles sucked. There were an awful lot of good moments in the whole weekend, but my attitude and outlook changed around lunch on Saturday. It never quite recovered until now and I feel that's still a little tenuous.

I didn't have to do any of the things that sucked. I chose to and let little things get to me. Then I chose to again, even when I knew I didn't like it. So, next year I am going alone or with MP. If friends choose to attend, that's wonderful and welcomed. However, I will not have it in my head that we are all on a date! I can split off and talk with people (which I did some, but with an eye on or out for my group) and make impromptu choices to be with them for awhile - maybe have some lunch or something. I can sit with different people and can take a (preferably empty) seat anywhere I like. Why oh why did I impose all these restrictions upon myself. Something the Al-Anon said comes to mind... It has to do with "treading water" in a lake of liquid shit. My shit.

Hopefully, when the next opportunity to do so comes along, I'll remember this weekend and choose to do something I wouldn't normally do. After all, I get to see these guys all the time! Why not meet AND get to know somebody new?

I'm glad I got this out. Now I need to clean up with the guys. (hmmmm... w/ raised eyebrow)

I went to a meeting last night that I've been to more than a few times. It's a gay meeting in a neighboring city. Last night was the first time I'd arrived before the tools were handed out. When I was offered something, I took it. I was surprised when it was the meeting chairperson's script! I'd never attended a meeting where that was handed out with the readings. (That I know of...) It only caught me off-guard; of course I chose to do it. What a wonderful meeting we had! I really like going to this group's meetings. Our topic was the Ninth Step Promises and several people shared some really good stuff.

A fellow there is interested in attending the annual conference of a local recovery facility. I attended it two years ago and really liked it. I've already registered for this year's conference and mentioned the event during the announcements. Lacking transportation, he asked me after the meeting if I could help. He's supposed to call today to finalize the details. I hope he does.

I am finding that in the past several weeks and especially in the past few days, I am wanting to give away this program, this gift, more and more. After all, "To keep it, you have to give it away."

I want a special pass! (Oh yeah, I'm getting one at the end of the year...)

I want to go to meetings whenever I want to and not be stuck at work M-F during the day and still have to fit in the normal necessities of life, my small business and AA in the remaining few hours. I feel special because of the gifts I receive by working this program and being in the fellowship, but I do have to make sacrifices if I want to be active in them. Sometimes they are sacrificed. Some things must be done and can't be time-shifted. Adequate sleep must occur. Never did I think my life would be so packed! It's great, but I'd sure like a bit more of a cat's life sometimes. Balance is the key. Too much running and I'm worn out. Too much time on my hands and I'm stuck in my head. Balance is coming... 'til then, I suppose I'll work on patience.

There's a standing invitation to meet at a cafeteria about and hour and fifteen minutes before the gay meeting on Tuesdays and Saturdays. I go on occasion and did last night. We had a small group of us, only five, but the camaraderie was no less than when we number more. This meeting before the meeting is always good for me. Though conversation is not only about recovery, recovery can't help but be in our conversation. I've pretty much enjoyed meeting before the meeting since I got into the program, though certainly more now than those first days. I regularly arrived at meetings thirty, forty-five or more minutes early. I was outta there as soon as the meeting was over, but that only lasted for several weeks. I grew to enjoy the meeting after the meeting, too!

Nowadays, I don't quite know what's gone awry, but there seem to be significantly fewer meetings after - especially after the gay meetings. We used to have a big ol' gaggle of us go to coffee shops or restaurants, most often on Saturday night, but occasionally on Tuesdays, too. Now the impromptu gatherings don't seem to happen with nearly the frequency or regularity they did a year ago or more. Now, plans have to be made before we get to the meeting, for if there are no plans, we all just go our separate ways. Sure, some of us go our separate ways together, but the gaggle was so wonderful and it's just not there now.

I just started reading (and FA is several chapters into it) a really good book by Joe Kort called "10 Smart Things Gay Men Can Do to Find Real Love" - I just finished its predecessor, "10 Smart Things Gay Men Can Do to Improve Their Lives" and MP is (hopefully) going to read it. In the second book, Joe writes in a section titled Socialization and Belonging:

... and joined Narcotics Anonymous and gay AA--which is another great place for achieving belonging and building relationships with other gays and lesbians.

I strongly agree with Mr. Kort and do so from experience. Indeed, I have found a great sense of belonging in gay AA (and mainstream) and have built some of the most special relationships I've ever had with people in gay AA.

I wonder what has changed that we no longer do as we did. I miss our hanging out in large groups. Certainly, we are not the same group of people we were then. Those of us still around have grown and are growing. Several folks are not here due to moving away or going out. How to draw together a new group of comrades and experience that large-scale "sobriety buddy" connection that was so reassuring in my early days?

I am so on a high right now that I hope I can fully integrate into my life. What is it that's gotten me so high? Yet another awareness. A friend recently turned me onto The Secret. I've watched the video and I love it. If you're interested in watching it and don't have access to a copy, it's $5/viewing on the web or $30 for the DVD. Hopefully someone you know may have it already. "The Secret" is discussing the Law of Attraction. It's awkward to talk about or explain, for there are some hokey bits, especially in the video. Still, the awareness I'm gaining from this knowledge is just how negative my thinking can be and has been. Even if the little experiments I've tried lately are ambiguous or inconclusive, the benefit of the awareness is huge. Even if creating my own reality is delusional, the change in my thinking is highly beneficial. It's resulting in my being more happy, joyous and free.

So much of the theory behind this jibes so well with my understanding of my Higher Power before I'd ever even heard of the Law of Attraction. My connection with my Higher Power, with God, is so much more and has been over the past two days. I feel more charged with energy than I think I've ever felt. Now that this awareness of my thinking is growing, I want even more to align my thinking and my actions with the Order of the Universe. It feels right. It feels good. It makes me smile and chuckle. It makes me want to share my good mood, to give it away.

Wow.

Yesterday was an amazing day!

On Saturday, I received a call from a local alcoholism/addiction treatment center. At the suggestion of a friend who works a very strong program, I registered with this facility about a year ago as a volunteer for receiving 5th Steps. Their guests work the first 4 Steps during their 4-week stay and give their 5th Step before they leave. There are many recovery folks in our area who are available to help out in many ways and one is receiving 5th Steps. On Saturday a week ago, I mentioned in a meeting some of the things I wrote in SPEAK! SHUT UP! In stating what I used to do, I also mentioned that I'd volunteered for 5th Steps at the facility and have never been called. Isn't it interesting how I got called a week later? (chuckle)

I am absolutely amazed at how well this guest and I matched up! (I know I shouldn't be, but I am.) We related so easily that the almost four and a half hours we were together flew by. I am so grateful to be a part of this guest's recovery and to feel more a part of my recovery community.

I went to a meeting Sunday morning before going to the facility. Seeing the car of another friend who is also so very strong in this program lifted my heart. I must admit, I was a bit nervous; this was the first 5 Step I've received. This friend has received several and to talk with him ever so briefly after the meeting was so strengthening! He told me I was moving to another level of my recovery. I felt something big was happening here. This is part of giving it away!

Of course, my prayers were said and said a lot before, during and after this wonderful opportunity to be of service.

I sure wish there were a "grateful" punkymoods icon! I'd surely have it up today.

Yesterday I had a wonderful "coffee shop date" with someone in the program. It was the first time anyone's taken my number at a meeting and called me offering to get together. We had a long conversation, talking about our experiences in recovery and about ourselves in general. I admitted yesterday how impressed I was with the ballsiness of just calling me and asking. I also admitted that I had not yet done such a thing. Given how it made me feel, perhaps I should give it a try. Hmmm... perhaps do something I wouldn't normally do?

Tonight, FA is celebrating an anniversary and I am so happy for him. He asked me to give him his chip; that means an awful lot to me. I'm sure grateful he keeps coming back.

Yesterday I went to the courthouse... for jury duty. On the way to the jurors' waiting room, I took the elevator. As the doors were about to close, a man joined me and the others in the elevator car. I have my doubts that he was there for any reason that he'd deem as good. He was seemingly half-drunk and half-hungover. I was/am so thankful that I don't have to go through that anymore. I remember going to work like that (I just had a major shiver go down my spine.) and I am so glad that I don't ever have to go through that again. There was a time when I had no choice. I might be able to postpone drinking for a day or three, but it was inevitable; I would drink again, drink heavily, feel worse than crap the next day, and either veg on the sofa (breaking commitments) or suffer through that day's commitments. I feel sorry for that man and thankful I am not where he is.

In the meeting last night, someone put a new-to-me spin on part of the Ninth Step Promises. "We will intuitively know how to handle situations that used to baffle us." That doesn't just mean the "bad" situations. We talked about how we feel when things are going wonderfully and we're wondering when the other shoe is going to fall. "Happy, joyous and free" can be baffling! How do I handle something I'm so very unused to having? Well, the answer is something I've heard a few times in the rooms. Here's kinda how I related it:

Before coming into the rooms and working the program, a lot of my prayers were "foxhole prayers." I learned that praying regularly helped me. In that regular prayer, I learned not to only turn over the "bad" stuff, but to turn over the "good" stuff, too. Turn it ALL over to God. Then I don't have to worry about the other shoe dropping or wondering when things are going to be good again. I can just take life as it comes, do what needs doing and - get this - be happy, joyous and free.

Now if only I can continue to grow in doing this...