raanch

I don't have anything in particular going on in my mind at the moment. FA just called and told me of his touting my skills to the president of a local board that is looking for a fulltime tech guy. One thing I said to him was that my plans are certainly not set in stone. I'm interested in talking with her about what they're looking for. Just the other day, a client called and told me of another position he'd become aware of and thought of me. It's beyond my skills (more than just stretching), but it sure was nice to be thought of like that.

Part of me wonders if I have what it takes to be my own boss. Part of me thinks I definitely do have what it takes. However, there is a part that also likes the idea of insurance and other benefits being managed by an employer. Of course, this particular position will have to be an excellent fit with really good compensation for me to even consider sacrificing my severance check. Still, I'm willing to explore. We'll see how it all flows...
__________________________________________
UPDATE:
The job pays entirely too little to even consider at this time.

The same person whose behavior prompted me to leave a meeting last Sunday was in the meeting I attended last night. Worse. One person got up and left almost immediately; I stayed.

After talking with Sponz on Monday about the meeting and _my_ problem with the guy disrupting it, I chose to stay and listen. As is my usual thing when witnessing behavior in meetings that's not to my liking, I closed my eyes when he was speaking. He shared many times and was just so full of sickness, pain, defiance, blindness, ego - I realized how easily that could have been me. How close I was to that when I was first coming around the rooms. I am grateful I came back and surrendered. I hope he comes back, too. He left saying he would not.

I shared in this meeting about how, before I picked up my last start chip, I was in constant indecision about whether or not I was an alcoholic. When I finally accepted it, claimed it, embraced it, I was free to do something about it. In my doing something about it, I have learned so much more about me than I would likely ever have, had I not gotten past that one thing. Then I was just an alcoholic. Now I'm still an alcoholic, but I'm so much more!

In chatting about this incident with BDJ, he talked about following a couple of drunks down the sidewalk while walking home. He said, "I live on the same street." That struck me as being more than just a statement of physical location. The belligerent guy from the recent meetings and I "live" on the same street. He's not that far away from me and I'm not that far away from him. I hope he comes to visit me, 'cause I surely do not ever want to visit him.

Sponz presented me my chip on Friday; it's absolutely wonderful to have it and all it represents to me. I've done a lot of work in the past year and there have been changes in me that the Sam of three years ago would never believe. I'm glad I keep coming back!

My attitude is a bit better from last Thursday and Friday. I've cleaned up a bit and will probably talk about this (thank God) short little dry drunk with Sponz this rainy afternoon. I mentioned to my boss that I had received a summons for jury duty in August and the summons states, "Appropriate dress is required." I asked if he thought I should challenge that with my orange Crocs! Oh well....

The end of this week is when the 6-month countdown starts. When it reaches zero, I'll be entirely self-employed. First thing on my agenda? VACATION!!! MP and I are talking about a cruise. I'm seriously considering a trip to Israel. (Already completed my passport application!) Boca Raton is on the agenda and Toronto is a strong contender, too. Then it'll be time to buckle down and start down the road of building my business and seeing if I can't put to good use all the things I've experienced and learned over the years.

Also, check out my little mood indicator over there in the upper right corner. It's from www.punkymoods.com. (ahem - somehow fitting, eh?) Anyway, I fell in love with using Unky Moods on my old version of samiam, but the creator of Unky Moods took down his site shortly after I discovered it. Well, last week after seeing a cartoon strip that reminded me of Unky Moods, I Googled it and came across Punky Moods. Punky Moods had just set up their site in early June (over 2 years since the demise of Unky Moods) and has all the original artwork of the original site. I signed up immediately. I'm glad they're back and will kick some coin over to them soon just to let them know.

"Good" days don't necessarily pay attention to calendars. I would've hoped that yesterday and today would have been "good" days (since yesterday was my third sobriety anniversary and today I'm picking up my chip), but they instead were/are "irritating" days. Knowing full well that some fellow employees read this from time to time, I'm tempted to not post some of the crap of yesterday and today. But, it's real. It's mine. And it's not a CLM nor an SEM. (Career Limiting Move - My career here is ending in six months! Severance Elimination Move - Don't wanna screw that up!)

I'm bitchy and irritable and it's mostly (maybe all) of my own doing. Certainly, since I'm aware of it, the choice to stay bitchy and irritable is all mine. Since hot weather came to our area and I have bought new sandals and Crocs, I've been wearing them to work. My appearance has not been shabby, but it's not been all "business" either. I knew it and figured/hoped it would be a non-issue since we're closing. I got away with it for many weeks. Policy has been implemented to stop such footwear. It pisses me off, because my getting away with it for so long automatically means it's now my right to wear such shoes and my employer's taking that away is unfair. Yeah, right. Call me back when you have some real problems. Still, I recognize the "truth" of the matter, but viscerally, I HATE any authority exercising power over me, especially over petty things. So my snippy little mind has gone through (and hashed it over with a couple of coworkers) many things I want to do to act out against THE MAN. I know... Get over it. My mind really does know that and I agree. Apparently, not all of me agrees.

I've heard and read the story of the two wolves (good and evil) a few times and twice in the past week.

One evening an old Cherokee told his grandson about a battle that goes on inside people.

He said, "My son, the battle is between "wolves" inside us all.

One is Evil.
It is anger, unforgiveness, bitterness, stubbornness, envy, jealousy, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority,lies, false pride, superiority, and ego.

The other is Good.
It is joy, peace, love, hope, forgiveness, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion and faith."

The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather:
"Which wolf wins?"

The old Cherokee simply replied,
"The one you feed."

I'm trying my best to overfeed the good one right now and starve the bad one, but I'm having difficulty keeping the bad one down. Acting out on any of this could certainly be an SEM and I don't think I'll do it. However, I want to stop thinking it! It's really brought about a bad attitude in me - something I run with very well! I'm hoping writing about it will help me let it go. I have prayed often about it.

So, in addition to the "losing something I've got" bit, I also didn't get what I wanted regarding posting on my anniversary. I woke up last night with cramps in the bottoms of both feet and in the top of one! (Hmmm... foot cramps & shoe policy... voodoo?) I have been bumping hard into things left and right for weeks, causing bruises and wounds galore. I'm damn tired of that! I'm pissed at myself for not acting how I want to act. I'm really beating myself up literally and figuratively! STOP!!!

I must admit, I do feel better having gone through writing this.

Well, today is the third anniversary of my picking up my (hopefully) last start chip. I'm a little bitchy because I wanted to write this post and publish it at lunch today. There's also supposed to be a pretty little 3-year chip image, but I can't even upload it. Alas, the host for rAAnch is having problems and, at the time of this writing, the site is completely unavailable.

Anyway, on these milestone dates, I remember my past easily. I remember my last drunk, a Saturday evening and night: June 21, 2003. I had come back in on May 7, 2003, and had even gotten a 30-day chip. Still, I had one more "party" in me and that came very casually on an early Saturday evening. MP and I had done a good amount of yardwork and were in the back yard. The light was starting to fade and the property looked good in the golden light. Sitting there, I said "Fuck it. I wanna get drunk." MP asked if I was sure and I was, for I had no obligations that night (except to show up to a meeting) and no obligation on Sunday either. A good enough reason to drink, no?

The short of it is I got drunk. Very drunk. And sad. And guilty. And shameful. So I dug out the number of this cool guy who gave me my first start chip (on September 13, 2002). I called him and he answered and I talked his ear off until (I think) my battery died on my phone. I don't remember much of the call (and he won't tell me!), but I did remember I said I'd meet him at a meeting on Sunday. I went and he did, too. That's when I picked up my last start chip. I hope I never have to pick up another. But, if I do, I hope I can get out of my own way long enough to do so.
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A little more on yesterday's post:
Check out this site: clicky
Just a little more fodder to support my belief that I am not my body. Hell, my body is more nothing than something! (pssst! So is yours!)

I am not my body. I have come to this conclusion over the past few months. It came from a confluence of working my program, science news, my grandfather's death and my pondering.

I've heard that alcoholism is a disease of the spirit. I've come to believe it's a disease/condition of the body and is a symptom of a disease of the spirit. There are many, many souls in this world that are as screwed up as I was (and am still, though now to a lesser extent) and a lot of them are not alcoholics. Many/some of them likely do use alcohol to escape from the consequences of their soul-sickness, but do so without most of the problems I have with alcohol. People use all kinds of escape methods. Some become problems for them by becoming habits. Some have physical conditions that cause certain escape methods to become problems. That's my bit. When I ingest alcohol, my body tells me "MORE!" It's hard, damn nigh impossible, for me to ignore or resist. Therefore, my using alcohol as an escape method is not a reasonable option. Yes, I get to escape, but it makes more problems for me than what I had before I drank.

Do I still have escape mechanisms? Yes, but they are not problems for me and are in fact healthy. I think it is normal for us to want escape. Hell, why do we go on vacations? My escapes include reading/listening to books, watching scifi shows and movies, surfing the web, talking with friends, writing, praying, going to meetings, walking, exercising, eating, driving, etc. These are things I do that do not go into overdrive like my drinking. (Though I do have to take care with the eating!)

(Thanks for bearing with me on getting this thought together! It's definitely still messy in trying to explain it.)

So, I guess the point from the last few paragraphs is that I have gained a greater awareness of my soul/spirit. But, not really... For my soul/spirit is me.

OK - science... I've read recently a supposition that humans are not a single creature. Bear with me here... There are so many bacteria in our bodies that we cannot survive without them. They break/convert down lots of vitamins and minerals we consume into things our bodies can actually use. Without them, we don't get what we need to live. (Here's the article: clicky) So, now it's plausible that my body is not "me" but is human and other critters. Add into this my perspective shift due to health issues (my back) and the therapy of it. We are trying to fix my body, not me. (Damn this is messy!) When I get a cold, I am not sick, my body is.

Death... Though I miss my grandfather, my sense of loss is very different from the loss of the other people important to me. I had not lost anyone close since I've been in recovery. I dunno... of the difficulty I'm having adequately expressing the factors that have influenced this epiphany of mine, this is the most difficult. His body is dead but he is not gone. No, I haven't seen him or anything like that. It's just a more personal (believable) perspective I now have. He believed in Heaven and I hope he's in what his beliefs were. I don't believe in Heaven, per se, but I do believe we do not cease to exist. His body was not him, his soul/spirit/consciousness is.

I've not had any out-of-body experiences. (Though, I'd love to but am not sure they can quite happen without death. In that case, I'll kindly wait, thank you very much!) I suppose in some people's views I've gone a bit earth-muffiny/crunchy/metaphysical/touch-feely. OK. What it all boils down to is I have had a change in perspective. I feel I have learned some truth, something I cannot (and don't want to) unlearn. I am not my body. I am responsible for my body. I am to try to care for it as best I can for I don't have the luxury of using another one. I am kinda stuck in it. Think about this: in my car I have controls for many things, but my level of control is minimal when it comes to ALL the things working to make my car a car. When I take it to the shop, the mechanic has control over stuff, for all intents and purposes, I know nothing about. But, the mechanic can only control so much. There's the molecular level (and beyond) in which he cannot control everything. (Getting messy again...) OK - I can move my arm. A surgeon can repair a tendon in my arm. Neither of us can control individual cells, telling them exactly where to go and what to do. There are levels where we are not in control, levels of which we are not even aware. Hmmm... I think they are part of God - God being the whole shebang, though not necessarily sentient as we know it. But, my consciousness/soul/spirit/mind is wholly different from my body. My soul is me. If it were to inhabit another body, it would still be me. Perhaps I (my soul) is also part of God, but maybe not - I dunno.

Enough! I've babbled plenty and don't feel I've really shed light on my path to my conclusion. Suffice it to say, "I am not my body." Knowing this sure helps me in many ways - one of which is greatly reducing my crap in the realm of fscked up body-image.

heh - sure did make up for yesterday's dearth of words.

Got other things going on, but am doing well and being of service. Had a good talk with Sponz yesterday about the previous post. Glad to be here and glad you are, too!

Last night I walked out of my meeting. It was the beginning of the meeting, just after the tools had been read, during the announcements "for the good of AA."

One person had their toddler there and it was being a toddler, making its way around the room, picking up stuff, grabbing at things, wanting attention and making loud happy toddler noises. This was going on from the get-go. I closed my eyes, as I'm want to do when someone is trying to talk to me rather than the meeting, and tried to keep my serenity. It was going OK. Then this person that has been in for a short while decided the announcement time was when he should apologize for something he did in another meeting - not even our group. About 2 minutes into his soliloquy, the meeting chair tried to stop him and was completely ignored. That's when I got up and left. Staying in that meeting was going to do more harm to me than good.

I called several AA people on the way home, left a couple of messages and spoke with my grandmother. All of this was to help me stay in my serenity and not delve into this sick person's inventory nor that of the toddler's parent. It worked and I went home and watched movies while I did work for a client.

I got an email about an hour after the meeting had ended. It was from the chair; I called and we chatted about what had happened and how we might handle something like it in the future. See, this group is almost all people with less than 10 years of sobriety - very few oldtimers here. I have an expectation (red flag) of oldtimers to handle these situations because we had a few who did when I first came around. They're not around as much as they were. We young'uns have got to pick up where they left off and take care of our meetings. Still, as I told the chair in our phone conversation: "I don't know that what I would've said to the man would've been with love. I do know that if he'd said something wrong back to me, I certainly would not have said anything with love."

I've got work to do here - on me - and our group has work to do, too. Still, I did take care of myself by leaving a situation that could've have really gotten me into trouble.

A couple of weeks ago, my windshield cracked. That sucked. What ensued was an exercise in maintaining serenity while not being a doormat. In nutshell, my insurance company was almost less than helpful. I wound up doing an end-run and used a glass company not in their "preferred provider" list that cut me some slack, reducing my cost to $150. (Great customer service, too! See my rave review on them.)

In light of the less that adequate service of my current insurance provider, I inquired of a co-worker about for a recommendation. MP called them and we are scheduled to meet with them on Tuesday to finalize the paperwork. We're moving all our insurance (except health) to them and saving over $1200 a year while increasing our coverage and reducing/eliminating deductibles.

While going through the windshield replacement, I was not a happy camper. Lies, misdirection, incompetence and apathy were thrown at me left and right. I did pretty well through the whole thing, but I must admit there were times in it where I wasn't acting sober. (A friend asked me yesterday if I was sober. "Yes." Then he asked if I was acting sober. "Most of the time..." - Two questions a sponsor used to ask him. He always answered similarly and appreciated my truthfulness.)

Thankfully, I (and those involved) made it through all this. Had it not gone the way it did, we would not have checked into another insurance provider. What seemed to be things falling apart was again things falling together.

I have a Father's Day card sitting on my desk, signed, addressed and stamped. Now... do I mail it? I stopped by the post office on the way to work to post it and other mail, including a card to my stepfather. The card on my desk is to my father. I was on the way to buy my stepfather's card and was wondering if I should/would buy one for my father. I took a moment with God and resolved if I found the right card, I'd buy it. I did. It's simple, not mushy, not father-y. It just says something to the effect of "I love you - Happy Father's Day" and I signed it "I know this is a difficult time. I just want you to know you're on my mind. Sam" and that's it. It's addressed to him at his employer, for I don't have his address and cannot find it online. The return address is just my address, no name, so there should be no flag to anyone at his job that it's from me. Also, it's not unusual for someone in his field to receive thank-you cards.

I've looked at my motives on this and the motives under the motives and I think I'm OK, but I'm still not sure I should send this. At the post office this morning, I prayed before I was to post it and I just didn't get that tingle. I feel I have until this afternoon to post this for him to get it tomorrow. (I assume since it's going to his workplace that he won't get it on Saturday.) Part of me says that he's my father and it's Father's Day - I have every right to send this card. Part of me fully expects it to be returned unopened. (I considered not putting my return address on it, but felt that would be less than honest - kinda manipulative. With it on there, he can choose whether or not to open it, knowing who it's from.) Part of me is very sincere in wanting him to know I do care. Today is the anniversary of his mother's death, 26 years ago, and it's only been just over a month since his father died. Part of me wonders if this card/contact from me will hurt him - I don't want to. Part of me wonders if it might be a step toward our talking someday. Part of me wonders if it'll piss him off.

I don't know what to do, what I will do... I've still got time, so for right now, I'm going to wait and try to be aware of my connection with God and try to listen for an answer.

MP and I are heading out for the evening to finalize our new mobile phone deal, enjoy dinner and attend a local theatre's production of The Matchmaker. It's nice having season tickets to this theatre. They pretty much ensure that MP and I go on an "official" date every so often. I'm sure in my drinking days I would have attended plays, but probably only ones I had heard of and was sure I'd like. This bit of going to all of the plays in a season would likely not have happened. It would have consumed valuable drinking time. Though they do offer wine at the theatre, going in and out of the auditorium is frowned upon by the patrons and all but prohibited by the management. That would have meant drinking at dinner, getting a couple of glasses of wine before the start, carrying a glass into the auditorium (yes, just one... we have to keep up appearances!), rushing out for another round or three at the intermission (PLEASE TELL ME THERE'S AN INTERMISSION!), carrying another glass in for the remainder of the play, (trying hard as hell not to doze off during the play - you know... the "I-stopped-drinking-but-I-didn't-pass-out coma"), rush home after the play and start on the vodka in the freezer ('cause it's only 10:30! there's still time to drink), stay up way too late drinking the same amount of vodka I would have if I'd started at 5:00, pass out (hopefully in bed!), wake up to the alarm clock, kill it, think through the dozen or so plausible excuses to not go to work, call in sick, roll back over (pillow over head to block out the light), sleep 'til noon or later, nurse the hangover*, lie on the sofa watching TV and eating junk food, go to bed, go to work, go to liquor store, repeat much of the same...

*unless it's Friday - then head to the liquor store and start drinking away the hangover, nap away the afternoon, start drinking again, head back to the liquor store for more because I did't get enough for the night/weekend, drink 'til I pass out, wake up around noon on Saturday, maybe mow the yard, repeat Friday afternoon's stuff, wake up on Sunday, nurse the hangover, lie on the sofa watching TV and eating junk food, go to bed, go to work, go to liquor store, repeat much of the same...


(Hi, GrandSponz!)

Had a good weekend. Finished tweaking RoboMower's perimeter wire. LOVE ROBOMOWER! Worked in the yard with my partner doing other stuff while Beau (Beau Rowe - RoBo...Get it? Yeah, I know...) mowed. It was wonderful! I felt like we accomplished so much. That was Saturday.

Sunday, we cleaned inside (Stormy weather - Hmmm.... reminds me of Lonnie Gordon) and nested a bit. Though we've been in the house for over 18 months, we are still slowly nesting. Felt like we accomplished much on Sunday, too.

These are things I would have done and then "rewarded" myself with a drink (OK, many drinks) or would have been drinking in the midst of the tasks. Instead, I got cleaned up and headed out to be around other people and thoroughly enjoyed myself.

Ya know what's really interesting to me? I had to make myself think about alcohol in writing this post. It just didn't occur to me that it wasn't there. It wasn't missed...

There's an older fellow that goes to some of the same meetings I attend. I like him a lot and he's on the list of guys I may ask to be my sponsor when the time comes I feel I'm ready for a male sponsor. He's just got this something about him that I want to have, too. I guess it's that "wear life like a loose garment" thing. Anyway, whenever he shares, I make it a point to try to listen. He mentioned a phrase the other day: "wreckage of the future." We we discussing the Sixth Step. (Imagine that! I've been hearing a lot about Step 6 lately! Hmmmm...) He made reference (of course) to his cleaning up the "wreckage of the past," and then spoke of how Steps 6 and 7 (the two shortest, but longest Steps we have!) are where he cleans/cleaned the wreckage of the future.

This is where I seem to be. Though I've worked through the Steps with my sponsor, it's kinda like that was an introductory trial. Now, as I grow, I find I am really working these Steps. After I finished my Fifth Step with Sponz, I went to our recovery clubhouse (it was empty) and sat down with my Big Book and read and did Steps 6 and 7. (I thought...) Now, I think what I did was actually express a desire to do those Steps. The impact of my Fourth and Fifth Steps was still new and not so much imprinted in my mind. I can't really say what all Sponz and I discussed on that day, the lessons I learned. (Or should I say was made aware of?)

Now that I've been working with Sponz in the time after and growing in so many ways, I think the lessons I became aware of are actually being learned. And used. I'm trying on new things and in so doing, I'm helping to clear away the wreckage of the future. For if I continued to live as I was, I would still be so much less than the person I can be, the person I want to be. Ya know, I just looked in the mirror in the bathroom a few minutes ago and as I was leaving, I shook my head slowly and smiled, thinking, "It's pretty cool liking myself."

Last night I spoke with the member of my homegroup that acquires anniversary chips (Why are they so often referred to as tokens? Is it deference to the gambling nature of "chips"?) and birthday cakes. My third anniversary is coming up on June 22 and I hope/plan to pick up my chip on Friday, June 23. My first and second year chips are fancy ones that are quite pretty and I like them a lot. However, so as not to damage the finish on them, I placed them in the circular protective plastic cases that are available from sites that sell chips and other recovery stuff. The thing is, their a little too big for the chips and the chips rattle in them when I walk. It was OK for awhile with my first year chip and though annoying on occasion, it was also reminding/reassuring on more occasions. Still, all that rattling in the case wound up wearing off the finish in couple of places. Oh well... I stopped carrying that chip and carried a bronze chip someone very special to me mailed from his home in Nevada. He's in the program, too, and our relationship has renewed from our both taking this path. I carried that chip until my second anniversary.

Now I kinda switch up on the chip I put in my pocket. Sometimes, it's the fancy one or two year chip. Sometimes it's a bronze token I bought off ebay when I first got sober. (It simply has the triangle on one side and the Serenity Prayer on the other.) Sometimes I carry a lavender chip a local gay meeting gives to people attending that meeting for the first time. (It's in my pocket right now.) Sometimes I carry the aluminum chip that is shipped as a gift when I purchase something from Recovery Emporium. I usually give those away; somehow the timing is always perfect. I have carried the aluminum chip I found in an airport terminal when Granny and I were flying out to New Mexico for New Year's Day and visiting with family. I was six months sober then and a little afraid of the unknown of being away from my support back home. How reassuring it was to find that chip right in my path to board the plane. I still get chills... I gave that chip to Fidus Achates awhile ago, relating how I acquired it and what it meant to me.

Soon (I hope!) I'll be carrying a different chip, a new one, a three-year chip. I emailed my sponsor, my partner and Fidus Achates a couple of hours ago. In line with my nascent skills of communicating my wants/needs, I told them of my desire for the bronze chip - the standard one we give here for anniversaries - and that arrangements had been made for my homegroup to provide it. I also asked my sponsor to present it to me. We've done an awful lot of work together and it will mean a lot to me if she can be there. Fidus Achates presented me my first-year chip and my partner presented me my second-year chip. I think receiving this one from Sponz will be rather nice.

I just read an article about two new businesses opening in downtown, a favorite place of mine. Rumrunners Restaurant and Inferno Nightclub will both be opening in an old department store building (Kress). Immediately upon reading about them, I was (and am) all about going. The restaurant (and bar) has dueling pianos and the nightclub is retro 70's and 80's with a funky decor that is all Sam.

It's interesting that I should feel like this, for I've been very much dis-enamored with nightclubs and major drinking places in general. Still, I guess in my newfound gumption to do things I wouldn't normally do, I want to go. Of course, when I do, I'll be with other friends in recovery. I also know that it would likely not be wise for me to frequent such places. (Especially the nightclub - the restaurant may be OK, depending on its restaurant/bar ratio...) I know the adage in the rooms about the longer/more you visit a barber shop, the more likely you are to get a haircut. I titled this post "Temptation?" but I don't really view this as such. My desire to drink is gone and I am working my program. Though I certainly do still have times when I want to escape, alcohol (and drugs) are simply not on the list of approved methods. Thankfully, I have learned to see past the initial "fun" and to the consequences.

Nonetheless, wallflower-boy is ready to go shake his butt and do piano sing-alongs! It's something I wouldn't normally do...

I want to post, but I have so much to say that I'm intimidated by the task I can make of it. If I wrote all I want to write, I'd consume a great deal of my days and I don't have enough time as it is.

I want to write about how this daily reading from Hazelden is perfect for me:

Spontaneity and Fun

Practice being spontaneous. Practice having fun.

The joy of recovery is that we finally get to experiment. We get to learn new behaviors, and we don't have to do them perfectly. We only need to find a way that works for us. We even have fun experimenting, learning what we like, and how to do what we like.

Many of us have gotten into a rut with rigidity, martyrdom, and deprivation. We may hold ourselves in check so tightly that we wouldn't allow ourselves to try something fun anyway.

We can let ourselves go a little now and then. We can loosen up a bit. We don't have to be so stiff and rigid, so frightened about being who we are. Take some risks. Then, take another risk. Pick out a movie and then call a friend and invite him or her to go along. If that person says no, try someone else, or try again another time.

Decide to try something, and then go through with it. Go once. Go twice. Practice having fun until fun becomes fun.

Today, I will do something just for fun. I will practice having fun until I actually enjoy it.

You are reading from the book:
The Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie

I find myself being more spontaneous and choosing more often to do things I wouldn't normally do. I like it. It's scary and exciting and I find I rather enjoy most of the outcomes.

Saturday, through a series of fortunate events (i.e. God was having fun...), my partner and a friend were working as volunteers (with all-access passes!) at the Chris Daughtry homecoming concert at a local high school stadium. I had declined my friend's offer to sign up to help because I had a job for a client that I would be doing that day. The job went very well and I got out when I had hoped I would. I went and fake-baked for awhile and was headed to the gym, for I really have been slack on that. On the way, my partner called me and told me he and my friend felt they could get me in if I wanted to come. I hemmed and hawed - after all, I'm one who usually follows the rules. After several minutes of indecision, I chose to do it. Good choice! We had so much fun! We were in front of the crowd, right at the stage. They man and his band belong on a stage! They rock! Afterward, we got to meet Chris and get his autograph. He signed the concert T-shirts we were wearing. We also got all three band members to sign our shirts! All of them, Chris, Ryan, Mark and Scott, are very cool guys that would be great to sit and talk with in a coffee shop, bar or living room.

What fun I would have totally missed had chosen to stay comfortable! What I did Saturday is something I would have done only with my friend alcohol some years ago. Now I can do it with no chemical assistance AND get to remember it and likely be remembered nicely by folks I interacted with.


Enough! Bye.

Asking for what I want or need sucks. I don't mean asking for material things; it's the intangibles I find so hard to request. I've operated for a long time with the notion that if I have to ask for an emotional need to be filled, then the filling of the need is diminished by my having to ask. The person filling the need should know my need; I shouldn't have to ask. Yeah, I was born on a world populated with mindreaders...

The facts boil down to these:

• I can not ask for what I need and not get it. (Sucks, but whaddya expect?)
• I can not ask for what I need and get it. (This is how it's supposed to be! Rarely happens, though...)
• I can ask for what I need and not get it. (Ouch! At least I asked and I know that the person knew of my need.)
• I can ask for what I need and get it. (I get what I need and the person who gave it knows a little more about me. I may not have to ask for that type of fulfillment again. Or... maybe I will.)

I actively tried this over the weekend. After breakfast on Saturday, we were discussing the plans for the day. After having a bad sunblock lotion and sand experience on Friday that I did not want to repeat, I voiced my desires. Simply, I wanted to get ready for the beach before we went to it and I wanted to come back to the house when we were finished. I didn't want to go anywhere for a lengthy time (especially walking) with sand stuck to my greasy body and residing in places where sand ought not to be. It was hard to say what I wanted. I did not do it well. Still, I did it and my desires were considered (and met!) in the planning. I thoroughly enjoyed myself and the discomfort of stating my wants/needs was worth the outcome. Now I need to polish the act of stating my wants and needs. As I do this more often, I know it will come more easily and more eloquently. People are not entirely familiar with me doing this. (Though some may heartily disagree... But there's a difference between being bitchy and asking for what I want/need. I have bitchy down pat! Just ask my partner and Fidus Achates!)

I've been talking about some pretty hefty stuff with Sponz over the past many weeks and it seems that lack of communication is a big issue for me. I've always thought of myself as an excellent communicator, but I'm really starting to see those skills from others' perspectives. I know that I know exactly what I mean when I say something or communicate in some other form. (Telepathy, anyone?) I'm starting to (even as the words are coming from my mouth) notice how what I'm saying may be taken another (or many other) way(s).

"To these, many A.A.'s can say, "Yes, we were like you--far too smart for our own good. We loved to have people call us precocious. We used our education to blow ourselves up into prideful balloons, though we were careful to hide this from others. Secretly, we felt we could float above the rest of the folks on our brainpower alone. Scientific progress told us there was nothing man couldn't do. Knowledge was all-powerful. Intellect could conquer nature. Since we were brighter than most folks (so we thought), the spoils of victory would be ours for the thinking."
--Twelve Steps & Twelve Traditions - Step 2 (emphasis added by me)

Um, yeah. That's me. (The "'s" in "that's" is kinda "is" and kinda "was" - I look forward to getting further away from "is.")

Sponz has told me that after awhile, I won't just be working the Steps, they'll be working me. I think I'm being worked upon.