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I've had a full month in the past 6 days! Thursday, my partner and I began installation of the Robomower (geekily called "Beau Rowe"), getting the main zone in the front yard completely installed and the majority of the minor zone in the front yard mostly installed. Beau works wonderfully and I am going to love (LOVE!) not having to mow the whole yard. The mobile dog groomer (3 beasties is a lot of dog to groom!) was at the house while we were installing the main zone and was captivated when we let Beau loose in it.

Thursday afternoon, I had my first visit with my new physical therapist. I like him. He showed me two exercises I am to do twice daily until I see him again next week. I think they may help; the logic behind them seems convincing.

Friday morning, bright and early, we got up, got ready and packed for a trip to the beach. My partner, Fidus Achates, two of his friends and I converged at another friend's home in Murrells Inlet, just south of Myrtle Beach. What a wonderful weekend! One of the best I've had! Time and my tendency for writing The Great American Novel being considered, I'll keep the details limited.

Here we go:
Arrived
Settled (great house, right on the inlet)
Out for lunch
Walk on beach
Back to house for visiting
90 minutes of constant thunderstorm (loved it! sat on screened in porch, talked and watched)
Rest of party arrived
Out to dinner
Grocery store for dessert and forgotten toiletries
Back to house for more talking and ice cream with fresh strawberries
Another thunderstorm to go to bed to
Got up first with house to myself (quiet time)
Got ready (Outdoor shower! WOO! HOO!)
Out for breakfast
Back to house
Head to beach (Huntington State Park - great beach!)
Walk about 3 miles on beach
Sun a bit
Tour Atalaya (Again! 3rd time - I still love it.)
Back to house
Sit in amazingly confortable lounge chair and watch inlet wildlife
Clean up (Outdoor shower! WOO! HOO!)
Out to dinner
Back to house
Head to Broadway at the Beach (Bought Croc's flip-flops - love 'em!)
Back to house and bed
Get up and visit over coffee
Head out into inlet in sea kayak (first time - loved it!)
Get back and clean up (Outdoor shower! WOO! HOO!)
Pack up and head out
Lunch and head home
WHAT A WEEKEND!!!

Sunday evening, I chilled out and was happy to sleep in my bed. My partner headed out to play cards and visit with friends.

Monday morning, we got started on completing the Robomower installation. (It needs a bit of tweaking in the back yard, but we're pretty much done.) A friend came over late Monday afternoon and put my huge windchimes back together (YAY!) and looked at some other small jobs he's going to help us with. We decided to have an impromptu cookout and threw together a great little meal. I chilled out Monday night and got to bed at a decent time. My partner headed out for more cards and visiting, for he had Tuesday off.

Tuesday morning, I headed off to work (JAIL!) and did that thang. I was supposed to meet with my new doctor again Tuesday afternoon, but that was rescheduled to Friday - grrrr... Instead I went to the tanning joint and baked a wee bit. (I'm getting a nice tan!) Then I met with my sponsor for almost two hours, where we talked about the title of this post.

There were so many little lessons in these past several days! We talked about them and she told me that I was in the thick of Steps 6 and 7. I am more and more aware of my defects and I don't like them, but I cannot fix them and certainly cannot do so instantly. So I move through them, almost as an observer, seeing what's happening, but unable to stop it. Still, this awareness (that I didn't have before) allows me to know of them and to clean up after them. The clean-up is happening sooner and sooner, closer to the event. I look forward to the pre-event clean-up - when I catch these things before I do or say something that is not characteristic of who I want to be.

I'm growing!

Been on vacation. Meant to write a post. Got distrac(LOOK! SOMETHING SHINEY!)ted. Will get back into the groove tomorrow. Love it!

In last night's meeting, we were discussing the Third Step, specifically the turning over of will and life. One thing I heard awhile back that helped me with this (for I, like the person who brought up the topic, had problems with the religious tone I heard in this step) is that "will" is "thinking" and "life" is "actions." Several people shared, including me, and really got me turning things over in my head. I had my PDA with me, so I pulled it out and wrote the following:

Some people have the gift of innately doing the next right thing. Some innately do the wrong thing. Most of us innately do right things and wrong things. When I try to turn my will and my life over to God, I try to make a conscious choice to do right things and come as close as I can to innately doing good.

The statement has a lot of meaning for me and is concise enough that I think it could use some explanation of what I think when I read it.

"Some people have the gift of innately doing the next right thing." - There are and have been people in this world (teachers like Jesus, Buddha, Mother Theresa, Ghandi, etc.) that simply do selfless acts because that is how they are wired. They know no other way to act. They are very God-like and cannot conceive of putting themselves before others.

"Some innately do the wrong thing." - There are mass murderers, serial rapists, power-mad dictators, wanna-be gods, etc. that cannot think of another before themselves. They, too, are wired this way and cannot choose to do good because they cannot see the choice. They only know one way of living and are incapable of even seeing other ways they can live. They are Satan-like.

"Most of us innately do right things and wrong things." - Most of us move through our lives doing right things and wrong things. Most of these actions are done without choice or decision; they're just what we do. Sometimes we are very God-like and it comes naturally. Sometimes we are Satan-like and it, too, comes naturally.

"When I try to turn my will and my life over to God, I try to make a conscious choice to do right things and come as close as I can to innately doing good." - When I am consciously aware of my thinking and actions, I can choose to be God-like or Satan-like. When I pray, asking God to direct my thinking and my actions, I am trying to condition my consciousness and subconsciousness to be aware of choices and, whereas I do not always innately do the right thing, try to choose be as God-like as I can and act upon the choice.

I use "God-like" and "Satan-like" because they are generally well-known ideas. Though I do not subscribe to the religious notions most commonly ascribed to these terms, the underlying meaning of each is universal. To me, "God-like" means thoughts and actions that move one closer to God. "Satan-like" means moving away from God.

"God" means... Well, you figure that out for yourself. I know what "God" means for me.

I'm having a lot of "death stuff" going on in my purview lately. Perhaps I'm just hypersensitive to it right now and noticing it more than normal. My partner and I bought a car a few weeks ago from a dealer in Virginia. I heard on the noon news today that man died Saturday in a motorcycle wreck. (link) There are many comments after the article from people who knew him. One of them was from a doctor who treats poor kids for minimal fees. His car required service that cost him over $600. When Mr. White learned of his helping people, he gave him $600 to use to help the kids. I think Mr. White was a good man. He certainly touched the lives of a lot of people and left good memories.

My grandfather was a man like Mr. White, only he had another 40 years to touch people's lives. What a legacy he has left, not only in our hometown, but across the nation. How big would a book be that had only one memory of him from each person he helped? I think there would likely be several volumes.

I hope that the life I'm living allows for similar stories from people when I die. I've a much better chance of that happening now that alcohol is not in charge.

A regular (though infrequent) visitor from California was in town recently. I attended a couple of meetings he attended and it was good to see him again. In the first one, he shared a statement that has stuck with me this past week:

Feelings are not facts. If I talk about my feelings, they can change.

I've surely been through a bunch of feelings in the recent past and I have to say his statement is true for me.

In our meeting last night, we read the last part of Step 3 in the 12 & 12. Part of it prompted me to share about how I feel I am lucky to have the fellowship, the tools and my relationship with God. So many "normal" people out there are trying to go about life on their own and when trouble hits, they've nowhere to turn for help. "Trouble" has hit me recently in ways that 3 years ago would've had me holed up in my home and drinking, not answering the phone and probably not talking to anyone. Through these recent experiences, I've written about my feelings here, I've shared about my feelings in meetings, I've talked about my feelings with friends and family. I've talked about my feelings when I didn't know what I was feeling. The talking helped me sort out what was in my head and come to know what I was feeling.

In the past few days, I've had ample opportunities (that I've taken) to talk about my grandfather. I've also had ample opportunities (that I've also taken) to help other people and get out of my head. Both have helped me greatly.

I'm glad I am where I am in my life.

Daddy Bob's wife left an orchid on their porch for me to pick up. I did so today at lunch. (I wondered who'd sent it... Thanks, Angela!) While there, I had a quick little trip down memory lane. I got to do so alone, for no one was there except the dogs. They got a bit mouthy, but that's what they do. I took several snapshots with my phonecam: the kennel/boarder/breeder sign that used to be in the front yard, the pumphouse where I used to sit on the roof and think or just be, the kennel office building, the walkway from the house to the kennel, the brick wall we used to sit on and eat watermelon or homemade ice cream, the "Puppies Now" sign in the garage, his truck, the porch where I used to shell beans with Grandmother. It was a nice little visit that did not hurt. It was good.

I truly expected someone to drive up while I was there and I was not disappointed. Folks do that around there when something seems amiss. My car caught the attention of my father's wife as she was driving past. She stopped to see who was there. We talked for about ten minutes and it was good. Of course, we talked mostly about my father and I did most of the talking. In doing so, I got to tell the person closest to him what I want to tell him. She and I agree that I'll likely never get to tell him these things, but at least I got to tell her. That's probably as close as I'm gonna get...

I also related to her a story that I heard on Wednesday about my father. It turns out that a coworker of fidus Achates* used to drive my father's school bus. She told me how he was a bit of an ass one day and how she got him back. Remember, this is when high school students were driving busses... After picking him up after school, she would drive by a small general store on the way to pick up kids at the elementary school. She'd pass by the store again to take my father home. He pestered her to drop him and a friend off at the store and then pick them up when she drove back by. She did, several times I think. One day (I don't know where) he threw something at the bus after he'd gotten off. The next day, she dropped him off at the store again. This time, on her return trip, she slowed down and told all the kids to wave at him as she drove by. HA! He had to walk home. It wasn't too bad, maybe a couple of miles. Still... consequences...

It's a good day and I'm doing alright.

* More on fidus Achates is here in the sixth paragraph. I've long wanted another word for someone so dear to me. "Best friend" is so grade school sounding to me and I don't like the connotation that some friends are better than others. This is different from that and much more special. I'm going to try it on for awhile and see how it fits.

Went to orthopedic surgeon this morning... We're gonna work on my back. A new kind of physical therapy (I don't remember the name) that only his guy offers in my area. If that doesn't work, injections again. If that doesn't work, fusion surgery.

I'm glad I'm taking steps to take care of myself. I've also started exercising again and eating better.

I have five clients scheduled for the next several days. I have had little business in the previous month or so and now I'm booked. It would seem that I've a need to focus on this for awhile.

A family member approached me before the funeral and asked that I call him. He invited me and my partner to join him and his partner for dinner sometime. I think that may be a good place for me to begin - baby steps in a safe situation...

Someone sent an orchid to the funeral home with a card addressed to me. It was delivered to Daddy Bob's home on Monday. His wife told me of it, asking I come pick it up. Perhaps I can do that this later this week. I don't yet want to be there when so many people may still be around. It was becoming overwhelming at the funeral. I don't know these people anymore and they still know me through Daddy Bob.

Tomorrow I meet with the new surgeon about my back. I am hopeful.

I voiced something in the meeting tonight that has been tickling my brain a little bit since last night. As prepared to write off my father's side of the family as I have been for many years, perhaps it is not the right thing to do. For a long time, I've felt that Daddy Bob's funeral would be the last time I'd ever deal with any of that side of my family, save the occasional run-in in public. Now, after the way I've been treated by so many people of my past, in the past few weeks and especially yesterday, I think may be depriving myself of something special. I have allowed my feelings for my father to carry over onto other family members. They don't deserve it. There are a lot of good people I've distanced myself from all because of shame of a folly of youth and fear of being hurt as only family can. I told Granny yesterday that blood doesn't mean anything to me, that actions determine who are included in what I call family. Perhaps I am wrong. Perhaps the belief of others in blood is enough. As was said in an after-the-meeting meeting, "The door has been opened. Now I have to decide if I'll walk through."

It's something I wouldn't normally do. Doing things I wouldn't normally do has already helped me grow so much. Is this another chance to grow?

My best friend, Granny and I went to Daddy Bob's funeral today. I'm glad I went. I'm glad they were there for me. I didn't go to the casket; from where we sat, his body didn't look like Daddy Bob. Rev. Whitney did a wonderful job with the service. I knew he would. Several family members I no longer recognize spoke with me. Later, at the graveside, several more approached me, too. Family I did recognize and didn't expect to approach me did. I really appreciate their doing so. I did not want to stay long and really didn't want to chat. I told Granny of that last night (for she is a power-chatter!) and that all went pretty well. My dear friend waited on the sidelines part of the time and was right there with me when I needed him. (Thank you. You mean so much to me.) He also took a flower from one of the arrangements for me. When the service was over, we drove by Daddy Bob's store and then to get a bite to eat. It was a good thing to do.

I got home about 5:00 and changed, called my mother to tell her I was OK, was about to feed the dogs and my partner came home. He fed them and I joined them outside on the deck. We talked a little about his day and mine.

There are bluebirds playing in our backyard...

I decided to go to work this morning and work from 6:30 to 9:00 and then go run the errands I needed to do for attending the funeral. (i.e. shirts to dry cleaners, buy dress shoes, buy suit - I haven't had to wear a suit in many years) As I was pulling out of the driveway in the dawn light, I thought I saw a dead bluebird on the road in front of our house. I didn't let my eyes linger on it and headed off to work. Bluebirds always make me think of Grandmother, Daddy Bob's wife who has been gone for around 25 years. She loved bluebirds and I remember her having a bluebird house made and wanting "Bluebirds Only" written over the entry.

At work, I told my boss of what happened and asked that work not do the standard sending of a flowering plant or anything, including coworkers visiting the funeral home or attending the funeral. Work did that and coworkers visited when my other grandfather died and I appreciated it greatly. This is different. I've not been part of this family for so long that having work involved in any way is an unwanted distraction/complication. Then I called Granny and my mother and told them of Daddy Bob.

I left work at 9:00, dropped the shirts off (ready at noon Saturday), picked up Rx and a coffee at the drugstore, bought dress shoes and a belt at a department store, went to the suit shop and proceeded to buy the suit. AA was there - one of the salesmen... Thank you, God. Marked the alterations (rush job - ready in 4 hours - I didn't even have to ask. Great customer service there!) and headed out to my car. There I called my best friend and while we were talking, another AA walked by and came over to my car and shook my hand, said hello and moved on. Thank you, God. I went to Arby's and got a quick lunch so I could get to the 12:10 AA meeting downtown. Called my sponsor while eating. She answered and we talked a moment. Thank you, God. Arrived early enough to the meeting to walk around downtown for awhile. Went to the meeting and helped set up.

The meeting was on anger. I wasn't really connecting with it, but I was in a meeting. About 3/4 through the meeting (held on the 2nd floor with windows open to the street) there was a startling sound, like a car backfiring. Someone sitting at the windows yelled to us, "Look!" Almost everyone either stood and looked or moved to the windows and looked. A man was on the sidewalk across the street, lying in the beginnings of a pool of blood. He'd either fallen, been pushed or jumped from the parking deck across the street. I sat down immediately, wishing I'd not seen it. Tears came a bit...

Some attendees ran downstairs. Some stayed at the windows. Some sat back down. Some called 911. One gave graphic descriptions of the scene to the dispatcher. Emergency personnel arrived. Someone suggested ending the meeting. We did with prayer. I helped clean up and left. My car was right on the street. I averted my eyes as much as possible. Thank God they'd covered him with a sheet. I drove to an AA friend's business place, told him of what happened and some of this week's stuff. We sat in the back and talked a bit. Not much, for he was almost continually busy with customers coming in. (He said I should visit more often - good for business) I sat alone in his back room for about 30 minutes. Thank God for that safe place.

I drove a long route back to the suit shop, about an hour early, just in case the suit was ready. (They'd said it might be.) It was. On the way to the meeting and back to the suit shop, I noted how beautiful the day was. I had the top down and it was gorgeous. Thank you, God. I got home, parked the car and went to get the mail.

There's a dead bluebird in the street in front of our house.

I think I'm feeling numb now. Though I'm not really sure what I'm feeling... Writing this has been cathartic, as has telling a couple of friends. In the time it took to write this, the robot mower has been delivered. The delivery fellow was a nice, friendly man. Thank you, God. I plan to go to the 6:00 meeting. Maybe I'll share. Maybe I'll just "be" there. I'm supposed to go to a ballroom dance practice party with Grand Sponz. I've considered cancelling, but I think it will do me good to go. I don't yet know of any funereal plans, so my plan is only for tomorrow and it's simple so far. Get up, pray, clean up, pray, get hair cut, pray, pick up shirts, pray, go to a meeting, pray and tell my story. And pray.

Daddy Bob is gone now. I got a call from a cousin last night around 1:00 to tell me he had died not long before. I'm relieved he didn't linger...

Thank you all for all of your support during this. Writing about this here and hearing from you has helped me so much - as much as my family and my local friends.

I cannot believe how much "good" and "not so good" stuff keeps happening in my life! I just got off the phone with a longtime, dear friend looking for help, asking questions, wanting what I've got. I'm absolutely amazed how it seems that for every "not so good" thing I experience, a "good" thing happens, too. If you've read the last several posts, you know the rough things I'm going through. In the midst of them all, I still am OK. I still have opportunities to be of service. I still can choose to think about someone else. I read the Ninth Step Promises to my friend. He said he sees them in me. Wow. I hope I can tell him I see them in him.

No update on my grandfather... He was to be completely off the ventilator this afternoon.

My mother's surgery went well and she is home. I spent the day with Granny and my mother and her husband.

It's been a long day. It's been a long week. I'm still here. I'm still sober. I can still genuinely smile, even through tears. I want what I've got... So, I'm going to keep giving it away.

(Regarding the whole "good" & "not so good" in quotation marks: "What is, is" is growing more and more in my perception of things. Still there are things that seem good or bad in the moment, things I don't like, but I'm seeing more and more that all of them have their place. Thus, my use of "good" is kinda saying "This is something that I like, that I'm glad is happening, that makes me happy" and my use of "not so good" is kinda saying "This is kinda sucky and I don't particularly like it and I don't really want to repeat it so I hope I get the lesson from it and can accept it.")

I've said goodbye to my grandfather. Sober. With my other grandfather, I needed alcohol for the courage to do it. I'm grateful for being able to say goodbye; so many people never get to.

My relationship with him over the past nineteen or so years has been one-on-one. When I got to his room, his daughter was in there. We hugged and talked; she's very loving. She stepped just out of the room for me to have a moment alone with Daddy Bob. I said what I could, but I felt hurried and uncomfortable because she was there. I'm sure she would have moved further off if I'd asked, but I didn't. Was my not asking people-pleasing or Southern manners? I get the two confused...

When finished saying goodbye to him, I stepped to the door. She and I talked more. A few minutes later, we were on the way out of the hospital - me back to work and her to the restaurant in the basement. At one point, I considered going back to his room. I didn't. She and I talked out front for awhile longer. Then she headed to the restaurant and I toward the parking deck. About fifty feet away, I stopped, turned around and went back inside. I knew I was not going to come back to the hospital (unless he comes back) and I had not really done what I came to do. I went back to his room and thanked him for so many things, told how much I love him and what he means to me. I told him it would be wonderful if he stayed, but if it was time to go, I was so thankful to be able to tell him goodbye. I gave him a kiss and left.

I'm so glad I listened to that still, small voice that said to go back. I'm glad I acted on my listening. Daddy Bob and I reconnected over the past couple of years. In that reconnecting, we were not only grandfather and grandson, but we were a couple of men. I really enjoyed talking with him on that level. He helped me feel like I had grown up, grown into a man. I'll miss him and I'll cry, but it won't be for what I should've done, for he and I are good. We know each other and love each other. I'll miss visiting him, but I carry so much of what he gave me... He'll still be here.

They're taking my grandfather off of the meds and machines. I'm heading out now to go see him and say goodbye. This is already harder than I thought it would be...

It seems the news on my grandfather keeps getting worse. I believe he's already gone, though his body is still alive. The tears are coming a little at a time now...

My best friend called me this morning; it was time to take his cat to the vet to be put to sleep. I'm glad I could leave work and be there for him. He couldn't be in the room for the procedure. I stayed with her for him. I'm glad I could. The tears came a bit more in there.

My partner's new car was hit in the parking lot at the gym last night. A window on it was broken out by a rock thrown by a mower today. We had joked about painting tiger stripes on it. Now I think we should paint targets.

One of our dogs yopped on the rug at the back door as I was about to leave for work yesterday morning. My partner (Gotta love him!) cleaned it up (I would've yopped, too.) and took care of the dogs like he always does. He called last night to warn me not to come home just yet. Fortunately, I had a ballroom dancing lesson. Sick pooch had yopped all over her crate during the day and she spewed from the other end, too. He cleaned that up, too. (The man must be canonized!)

I haven't gone to the gym since April 27. I've been eating poorly and way too much since I was sick over a month ago. Why are the good habits so easy to break? I'm disappointed in myself.

A friend called last night and left me a message asking me to call back. I did. He asked me to be the speaker at the meeting on Saturday. I am. (I'm also never returning another call to him!) I wonder what I'll talk about.

I'm not drunk. I'm not even thinking of drinking. Hmmm... Maybe I'll talk about how this has come to be.

First, thank you to all of you who keep giving me encouragement, love and smiles.

My grandfather is not doing well. Details are sketchy and prediction is just an exercise of insanity. I'm taking it as it comes.

My mother is going in for outpatient surgery on her arm on Thursday. I'm taking that day off to take Granny to the hospital for us to be there and wherever else we wind up.

My best friend's cat, Creature, has been declining in health over the past several months due to diabetes. A rapid decline in the past few days has prompted my friend to choose to put her down. I'll be accompanying him through that tomorrow.

I have made an appointment with a new surgeon at a new practice to work with me on my back. I'll first meet with him on May 18.

I have begun taking steps to rectify the communication and remuneration situations with my client.

In all of this, I do not feel overwhelmed. I can't say the exact reasons why, but I know for a fact that were I to face all of this 3 years ago, I'd have been drunk. I'd probably have been drunk almost every night. I would not have been available to my family and friends. I'd have been useless to them and me. One thing I know, too, is that all of those "have been's" could very easily become "be's" and I need to keep on doing what I've learned to keep that from happening.

It occurs to me that by my previous life standards, all of this stuff would cast a major pall over all of my living. Now, it's almost as if the good stuff and the not-so-good stuff are compartmentalized. I'm not sure if that's the right analogy; I'll have to think on it. Still, the good stuff doesn't seem to be lessened by the not-so-good stuff. It used to be. Now a strong acceptance of "what is, is" is (damn that looks weird) so pervasive in my life. Oh, I can still get all pissy about some things. But, more and more, there's a sense of "Why get all worked up over it? Just keep moving along. Life'll change soon." I'm aware of my emotions in these things, but I'm not being driven by them. At least not the overt, dramatic emotions. Perhaps the underlying, quiet ones are driving me and I don't even notice it. Perhaps I'm just full of shit...

Regardless, by all accounts, I simply should be drunk. I'm not... And I'm grateful.

Today marks four weeks that my grandfather has been in the hospital. Yesterday evening, he moved from ICU to Stepdown. Last night, his heart stopped. He was revived and moved back into ICU. I'm sad for him; he's got to be frustrated, scared and angry even. I'm sad for his wife and family members that frequently spend time with him; this cycle of upturns and downturns has got to be wearing them down. I'm doing OK. I spoke with my mother about him this morning and we're both pretty much of in the same place with this.
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I placed a business call today that I did not want to make. A client with whom I've had good rapport owes me a significant amount of money. Probably because of that (but I don't know), they've stopped communicating with me. The lack of communication has been going on for about two months now. I didn't even address their account being in arrears until last week. I've sent several emails prior to then asking about various open parts of the original job scope and additonal requests. I can deal with the money issue just fine. My business is not in debt, so it's not a burden as such. What is getting into my head and playing jump-rope (and at times it's double-dutch!) is "Why are they not calling? What did I do or not do? What am I going to do if they don't call?" I'm confident the work I've done is as good as I could provide with the constraints I have to work within - constraints they were fully aware of prior to choosing my company. I know these things rattling around in my head are all ME. Still, I haven't been able to turn them off/let them go. I hope today's call and the bit of information from it help them stay quiet for awhile. I should hear more from the client next week.
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One more thing that's affecting my serenity is my back. I need to stop putting off calling my doctor and getting things rolling to check out my back. After having surgery on a herniated disc in November of 2004, I still am having problems. I want to get an MRI to see what's going on in there now. I need to do this while I'm still employed - before I am self-employed only. I am afraid of something here, but I have not yet figured out what. It's just a general dread that makes my eyes get teary. I don't wanna...

Part of the nasty meeting on Sunday (that I'm so glad I didn't attend) was about the clubhouse going no-smoking. The new policy went into effect on May 1st. Yesterday was the first day I'd been to the club since it went into effect. The crowd was much smaller than usual, as expected. I think this will be a non-issue in a month or so. Yes, we'll lose some members/attendees, but we'll gain some, too. We already have had people return who stopped coming because of the smoke.

This is a contentious issue for some smokers. I've had the opportunity to make a few of them aware of a perspective they did not have. There are two clubs in our area and both were smoking. At both of them are the only meetings that occur everyday at 5:30 or 6:00 p.m., what I call the witching hour. That time right after I got off work was the most dangerous time of the day for me when I was trying to get sober and in my early sobriety. Anyone who cannot handle the smoke did not have much choice in "witching hour" meetings. Looking at the schedule, some meetings in other locations have been added, so that's a help. (1 @ 6 on Sunday, 1 @ 6 on Monday [women only], 2 @ 6:30 on Tuesday, 1 @ 6:30 on Friday and 1 @ 6:30 on Saturday)

The club will be closing in half of the front porch to make a "smokehole" sunroom for inclement weather. We've had the same thing at work for at least 10 years. Lordy! Lordy! Change is here! It must be the end of the world!!! I'm glad one of our clubs is now smoke-free. It's going to make the wonderful things that recovery clubs offer available to folks who chose/had to stay away due to the smoke.

FWIW, I was a cool ex-smoker for about two and a half years. I quit when I picked up my 90-day chip and thankfully have not smoked since. For the first two years, I had no problem being around smoke. Then, completely unexpectedly, my body changed and my sensitivity to smoke greatly increased. I started smelling it on my clothes even after just the slightest exposure. My eyes burn and my throat gets scratchy. My breathing can get strained enough to have to use my inhaler. I try not to be a bitch about it, but my tolerance for smoke is only so high. If I can't be around it, I won't be.

I know that a great no-smoking concern is for the newcomer. I think as long as smoking is legal in public or private gathering places, there will be smoking meetings available. However, times have changed and any smoker that's not dealt with not being allowed to smoke somewhere probably hasn't been out of their home in several years.

I have empathy for those addicted to nicotine and/or the habit of smoking. I was there. I also used to drink...

It turns out that, though there are problems with my main site's host being flooded, the issue of samiam's apparent hijacking are only when accessing it from work. We've a nasty somewhere in our system that's hijacking Google and CNN as well. I suppose I should feel complimented that samiam is being hijacked with such Internet biggies!
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Yesterday evening, a friend and I attended a meeting that was new for me. It was his second visit. It sucked. His first visit was completely different. I'm really glad there were no newcomers in this meeting. I wonder what happened from one meeting to the next? Other than introducing myself as being in that meeting for the first time, I just observed. Though this meeting was not a good one for me, I do intend to try it another time or three. Perhaps it was an off day for them. Perhaps it was an off day for me...

One thing I got from attending the meeting is exposure to a piece of art that I could not keep my eyes off. It was right in my line of sight for the duration of the meeting and my eyes kept on being drawn to it. There's a post about it with a picture on samiam.

I don't like aggravation. Imagine that...

My main website is down. The host's servers are under a flood/denial-of-service attack. My registrar seems to be pointing my domain to the correct servers, but a for sale page is coming up instead of my page. I'm not really worried that it won't get fixed. There are too many records in place showing my ownership and I'm paid up on the domain registration until 2008. Still, it irks me that my website is not available for its most frequent visitor... ME! I use it as a portal for much of my surfing and it's my homepage on all my browsers on all my PC's.

My registrar just confirmed that it's an issue with the host. I've already spoken with the host and the support guy is investigating and will call me back. I've had wonderful service with the people and am certain it will be resolved satisfactorily. Still, I can't help but feel a bit... what? I don't exactly know what I'm feeling. Lost? Confused? Anxious? Ohhhhh... That's right... POWERLESS!!!

To end on a lighter note, we had four kittens in the computer lab this morning. My coworker found them near the plant and brought them in. As of 1:30 p.m., all but one have been adopted. There's a picture of them on my main site. Hopefully, you'll be able to see them there soon. It was really neat to have them here for awhile. I told some coworkers that I was glad I came into work today. It's the first time I've been glad I came to work in a long time.

Oh, yeah... I just posted this and viewed the site. rAAnch's CSS file is hosted on samiam. Today I have no style!

I listened to that still, small voice yesterday and avoided a major hullabaloo. Instead of cramming as much into the day as I could, I noted how I was feeling anticipating trying to control everything as such that the timing would work properly and everything would fall in place. There was a recovery clubhouse business meeting scheduled for 3:00 yesterday afternoon. I chose to scratch it from my schedule and in so doing, completely avoided a majorly heated meeting; one in which I'd likely have participated rather than only listen. I'm glad I didn't go. Serenity is far too important, much moreso than the importance of the decisions made in that meeting. There's a banner on the wall in this clubhouse that says, "HOW IMPORTANT IS IT?" To me, it's yet another way of saying, "Choose your battles wisely."

I'm glad I listened to that ssv - you know... the one that always gives me chills. In listening, I was able to put to use not only lessons I've experienced firsthand, but lessons people around me have experienced, too. It is often better for me not to try to get the most efficient use of my time. Building in some free time helps me immensely when the things I cannot change are shown to me.