raanch

I just got off the phone with my grandfather and, man, did we have a laugh!!! I'd love to write bout it here, but it's a bit too personal for him for me to have it plastered up here for the world. It wsure was good to laugh like that with him. I don't think I ever have. Oh, sure we have shared many a chuckle, but hearty barrel-chested laughter? I don't think so; at least not in my adult years.

He's progressing well in his recovery from the hematoma. Of course, he's back at his store; no one could (would dare) keep him away. The plan is still for him to be admitted on Thursday for surgery on Friday. He's ready for it; tired of the anticipation.
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The initial bite of my father's reply has waned. Nothing has really changed from how things were with us. It's interesting how my reaction was in this. Not once did I initially even think of replying bitterly to his email. Only once did it even cross my mind and I think that was more in a moment of contemplation of how I might have handled this years ago. Oh well... [Doris Day begins to sing...]
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Sigh... I contacted the doctor again today with an update of my still puny physical condition. He's called in a Z-Pak for me. I hope it kicks these little boogers' collective ass!

A friend told his story for the first time on Tuesday night. Though sick as a dog, I simply had to go. (I played leper colonist and stayed away from people, telling them of my puny state.) I'm so very glad I went. Though I know an awful lot about him, hearing him put it all in order helped me "know" him even better. There were also a few things he told that I didn't know. I have chills thinking about this right now.

I've told my story three times now; the last was over a year ago on Super Bowl Sunday. (I was hoping for a small crowd since it was the Big Game. Didn't happen!) I think the biggest thing I've gotten from telling my story is familiarity, becoming more "a part of." In pretty much every meeting I attended after telling my story, I'd run into someone who'd listened to me. It helped make me, the great unapproachable one, more approachable. I was more comfortable in unfamiliar meetings and that comfort helped me to approach strangers and to be approached by them.

You know, as scared as I was to stand in front of a room full of people and bare much of my soul, as soon as I started, I was OK. That brings a grateful smile to my face right now.

Drunks in Texas bars can be fined, jailed

Bar patrons may be approached if an officer spots them behaving erratically, such as having difficulty walking or standing. The officer will perform a field sobriety test similar to one for drunken drivers. A patron may also be asked to take a breath test, although it is not required, Beck said.

I don't know (obviously) what's going on here, but here are a few "oddities" I've noticed:

• Due to a hematoma, my grandfather's surgery is postponed until Friday, 4/7. He's home and already feeling better. (I imagine being home has a great part in that.)
  
• Konica Minolta will be in production 3 months longer than originally anticipated. Instead of getting our letters with our termination date and severance package details on this Thursday, we'll now receive them on 4/13.
  
• While I've been sick, I've been relatively immobile. My back (or more specifically, my right buttock) is not hurting. Perhaps I needed this downtime for recuperation of that.

Sorry for the lack of posting...

I'm sick (physically, smart asses!) and have been for awhile. Utter exhaustion and a mean sore throat. Doc said it's not strep, likely another virus 'cause I'm on too many allergy meds for it to be allergy-related. Joy... wait it out with OTC meds.

This downtime has not been great for me. I have too much time to be in my head. Anyway, I did get to a meeting on Saturday and talked about what's going on. I did a stupid thing during this downtime; I looked at the big picture. There are so many big changes looming and already upon me. I should not look at them all; they're overwhelming. I looked. I was overwhelmed. However, I'm getting my head a little cleaned up and am ready to look at one thing at a time again. Silly me, trying to play God...
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My grandfather's surgery was supposed to be this morning, but he has a hematoma in his abdomen and the blood thinner they administer for the surgery (in larger doses than they've already given him) would cause a real mess in there. They've rescheduled for 2 weeks.

First of all, I have no right to tell you you cannot see Dad. However, too many people are already planning on being there during surgery. I would ask that you refrain from visiting until after the surgery. If, during that time, we run into each other, I will be civil, create no scene, but don't expect any conversation. What is in the past is in the past & I have moved on with my life and am quite happy as it is.

I just received this a few minutes ago. I'm not really sure how I feel right now. At least he didn't leave me hanging...
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How interesting is it that my daily reading from Hazelden (that is usually in my inbox before I get out of bed) was late today and arrived after I received my father's response? I don't think I can add anything to it; it says exactly what I know, but needed to hear.

Today's thought is:

No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.
--Eleanor Roosevelt

In this moment, we are the best we can be. Today, we can work at loving the best in ourselves and not fearing the worst. We are truly wonderful and growing people with gifts and qualities that make us who we are. No one can make us feel inferior without our consent.

Now, we are in charge of our lives and growth. We can choose to let go of old negative thinking. We can choose to think positive, loving thoughts about ourselves. We never need to be victims again to addiction or to other people. We have options today. We can choose to grow in a positive recovery program. We can choose to have loving, affirming people in our lives.

Today I will stick with the winners. I am a winner today and every day.

You are reading from the book:
Our Best Days by Nancy Hull-Mast

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I forgot I'd put my copy of A Cherokee Feast of Days in my bag after reading today's reading in the parking lot at work this morning. It spoke directly to where I was at that time and now.

March 22

Everything in the world cannot be judged by one mistake. When we have fallen short or someone seems to have failed us, we can leave it there where it happened. There is no use in stirring old trouble into every new thing we do. There are things that seem to break out heart; pain that goes on and on. But we can work through. If we are strong and don't let our hands grow weak and slack, our work will be rewarded. We grieve for the loss of things, or persons, ache for what we cannot do, but there is a day when the sun finally shines. We can make it. Time heals more quickly when we decide to let it. It is written that any man can make a mistake, but none but a fool will continue in it. This is a new day; live it fully.

The Great Spirit Chief who rules above all will smile upon this land...and this time the Indian race is waiting and praying.
--Chief Joseph

Well, I drafted most of the email yesterday, edited it today, read it to my sponsor, clicked "send" and prayed. That's all I can do right now.

I visited my grandfather during lunch today; it was another good visit - short, but good. I also visited him on Friday. I learned another lesson in that visit. I listened. He repeated his account of the rift between hi father and my grandfather's brother, except I had gotten it wrong in my "listening" the first go around.

The rift was between my grandfather's father and the father's brother. Grandfather was already away for the war and was coming home for his last leave before going into combat. He'd written a letter to his father asking him to mend the relationship with is brother before my grandfather truly went off to war. His father said to him, when he got home, for him to go and bring him to the house. He did and the brothers embraced, cried and moved on. Their relationship was so strong that there were times they'd stop working and just sit and talk. Stopping working in those days was a costly thing to do, especially just to visit.

I'm glad I listened instead of ignoring the repeated story as I am so often guilty of doing. Sometimes, I even cut off someone mid-story to indicate I already know it. Maybe I really don't know...

HelpJacqui - A Story of Courage and Resolve Against Adversity - A Drunk Driver Innocent Victim's Saga

This is heartbreaking. I drove drunk so many times. Thank God I never hurt anyone.

I'm going to write an email to my father. I pretty much decided this on Friday after visiting my grandfather at his store. I also decided I would not rush into it. I was hoping to "feel" it sometime this weekend, but that didn't happen. Perhaps the desire not to do it is greater than my sense of "when it's right." I dunno. I need/want to do it soon. I plan to write it, put it away for a day or so, reread it, edit if necessary and send it. Right now, I'm thinking I will take the time between my visit with my sponsor and dance lesson tonight and write the draft. It would seem I am making this bigger than it has to be. Imagine that... Still, that's how I work. At least I know it!

Talking with both of my grandparents (my father's father and my mother's mother) on Friday was a good thing. I'm glad I can talk with them as an adult grandchild. Relating with them on a level that's not just grandchild is good and interesting. It's certainly not something that was available to me (at least I couldn't do it) prior to cleaning up with them. I'm glad I have this program and am willing to work it.

I know that I am more attuned to hearing/reading things that speak to my current situation with my family. Still, the preponderous amount of relevant material that's been in my awareness over the past few days has got to be beyond coincidental.

Last night, I picked up a book I bought about a month ago. A friend sent me links to a recorded radio broadcast of an impressive psychotherapist, Joe Kort. After listening to his interview, I checked out his website. That night, I purchased two of his books. One is "10 Smart Things Gay Men Can Do to Improve Their Lives." I started reading it immediately. Chapter 2 is on coming out. Having come partially out at 14, almost completely out at 17, and finally plain ol' out by 19, I didn't see what I could get from this chapter. I trudged through with a "been there, done that" perspective. The reading got boring. I slowed my reading and then paused for awhile. I did get to the next chapter, the title of which I just had to look at: "Resolve Issues With Your Family." Funny. When I started this chapter, I was certainly not where I am now in so far as family. I had no clue what was coming.

When I started reading last night, I picked up where my little Post-It flag indicated I'd stopped. It was about the middle of page 51, right in the middle of a point. As I started reading, I realized I didn't remember the context, so I jumped back a paragraph, then another, then another. With Mr. Kort's gracious unrequested permission, I'll share a bit of his book here (emphasis added by me):

In order to achieve a state of differentiation, you must remain connected to other family members. I agree with Bowen's conclusions about the importance of families staying in dialogue with one another, even when they disagree. My experience as a therapist convinces me that being open and honest with your family is a move toward stronger ties, as is allowing them their own reactions.

The only reaction that's not acceptable is blame directed at you. All members must be able to express their opinions honestly - but without the intent to wound or blame. Otherwise, it's Jerry Springer time! If wounding or blaming occurs, then self-preservation, not reactivity, prompts a cutoff. And that is appropriate.

If family members are prone to physical violence or addictive behaviors and won't remedy the problem or get help, then protect yourself. If you try working out difficult issues with your family, do they continue to disrespect you? Are they unwilling to change their beahvior or take responsibility for their part in a dysfunctional relationship? Do you keep going back, only to get emotional and mental abuse each time? Cut-offs under these circumstances are not reactive or immature.

Some family members say they want to mend or heal, but they don't want to be accountable for their role in the problem - making any relationship with them unsafe. They will say things like "I am not doing it intentionally" or "You are being too sensitive," or they'll deny their role completely and say "I don't know what the problem is" even though you have told them repeatedly. Focusing on your family's behaviors more than on what they say can often indicate the truth about how they feel about you. It may just mean they cannot say it or admit it to themselves and consequently to you.

Remove yourself from the family environement to find a more secure way to deal with them. Sometimes resolving family differences means extremely limited contact or no contact at all. Making this decision in nonreactive ways is not a cutoff. This is self-preservation.

I've a mixed bag of feelings about this. I have behavior to make amends for. This I can and will do. I will not apologize in any way for being gay. I have done some of what's above, but I think not quite in the right order. I cut off my family out of embarrassment and shame. It was easier to leave them out of my life than to come back and face my fears of only a few. As I move through the next parts of all this, I will try not to approach family members with my perceptions of them from 19 years ago. I will try to be open, honest and willing; to be fair to them.

Another wonderful quote:

"Serendipity is a sign that we're letting the universe organize the events that lead to answered questions and fulfilled dreams."
-- Karen Casanova

My grandfather is likely to be admitted to the hospital earlier than orignally expected. His wife and I are communicating after a 19 year hiatus. I am welcome at their home and she offered/asked for me to stay with him during part of his recovery. I got a call from him yesterday, thanking me for what I'd written and offered. He was very appreciative, loving, kind, hopeful, wistful, teary. It was a sad, but good, call.

I told him I was working out in me whether to approach my father before his surgery. (We've not really spoken in 19 years.) My grandfather related to me his taking upon himself to try to initiate the closing of a rift between his father and one of my grandfather's brothers. It was very important to him they be on speaking terms before he went off to war. It worked out well and their relationship grew stronger than ever. I know he's hopeful for my father and me...

I'm not sure how to initiate speaking with my father; I've tried a few times over the years to no avail. As I conveyed to my sponsor, "I will talk with him someday (maybe soon) with amends in mind and not the goal of closing the rift." I don't know what will be. I can only do what I can do. As one of my daily readings imparted to me this morning, as it spoke so well to where I am: I will wait today, for there are workings in motion I know nothing of.

Now is ample opportunity to live one day at a time.

Here is a quote I really like:

"Waiting time is not wasted time. Something is being worked out - in us, in someone else, in the Universe."
-- The Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie

It's interesting how things link together in ways I could never plan. Monday, after our dance class (our first full hour!), Grand Sponz and I were talking over coffee at the Starbucks across from the dance studio.

We first discussed dance lessons well over a year ago (I think) at a dessert finale party for a fundraiser for our local AIDS service organization. She and I were trying our hand (foot?) at some swing dance moves I'd learned years before. That's when she said she'd like to take dance lessons and I shared that desire. Monday night, she told me what had led to our attempted dancing at that party. She had gone to the disco room for some bump 'n' grind dancing with a fellow in our group at the party. (She wasn't part of our group that night.) When they came back to the main room, she was still feeling the groove and that's when she and I made our attempt to dance to the big band music that was playing. It turns out that the fellow she danced with was my cousin from New York, who was down to visit family and to attend the event! She didn't know who he was and I didn't know they'd danced. Well, with some gentle prodding from Grand Sponz, I checked into the lessons and now we're learning ballroom dancing, including swing.

Now, Grand Sponz loves her some Las Vegas. She just got back from there this past weekend. With my impending change in employment, I will have time and money for a vacation this late summer/early fall. We're going to go to Las Vegas together and with other friends. We just made the preliminary plans right there! I love going to new places, but I prefer to go with someone who knows their way around. She certainly does. Going to Las Vegas is on my Lifetime To Do List. I can't think of a better way to enjoy it than to go with a bunch of sober drunks that are really into their recovery.

I wonder what the next link in the chain will be...

I'd've posted some real content, but I spent the day tweaking site settings. I hope this renders well for all y'all. Lemme know!

My introduction in last night's meeting: "I'm Sam and I'm a bitchy alcoholic."

It's true. Though, sometimes often I'm not nearly the bitch I have been or can still be. My mother tried to teach me years ago to choose my battles wisely. I didn't get it. Now, I do. Battles are toxic to my serenity and serenity is an important part of my life; I like it a lot. I can get so tense and full of turmoil when I let myself get into "me me me" space. Sometimes, I have to go there. It's called sticking up for myself, not being a doormat. Most often I do not have to go there. More often I choose not to go there. I still have to be reminded on occasion, but there is progress. Yesterday, I let several small "battle-ettes" diminish my serenity. Why? Because I'm still not perfect.

I've said often in the recent past that I am so grateful for awareness. Without it, what can I possibly work on? One way that awareness is working for me is seeing in others what I don't want in me. I am finding that, though they can be real turn-offs, people who display characteristics that annoy the hell out of me also cause me to take a look at myself to see if I do similar things. Ya know, I haven't specifically tried to gain this particular ability. It appears to have come about by working a simple program that teaches me things even when I don't know I'm learning them.

I try to ask every morning to be of some use, in some way, to somebody, even if I don't know it. I feel pretty sure I've helped at least one person without knowing I did so. I know I've been helped by people who don't know they've helped me. It would seem that I do pretty well in life when I don't know.

Oh, and by the end of the meeting, I was a lot less bitchy. It's interesting how that happens...

Saturday morning, at the final meeting, a fellow attendee shared something that brought me to tears. As I was trying to relate it to a friend, I knew I couldn't do it justice and said I'd ask that attendee if he'd be willing to share it in writing. I did and he did. Of course, hearing it in the meeting, feeling his emotion as he shared made for a strong emotional/spiritual experience for me. While reading it doesn't quite have that power, it's still damn good stuff that gives me chill bumps and watery eyes. Thank you, Friend!

Rejoice !
by Propheticus Lycanthroponica

My grandfather is going to have surgery, two bypasses and work on his mitral and tricuspid valves. He's 85 and, though the doctors wouldn't perform the surgery if they didn't think it reasonably safe, it's open-heart surgery and he has other mitigating health issues. This should happen in the next two weeks or so.

I'm consistently reminding myself that this is not about me. However, in this journal, it is about me. It's difficult to determine just how I feel. I love him very much, but ever since I was 16, things have been different, have been lessened. When I was 16, a bit of youthful indiscretion alienated me from my father and his side of the family. In the time after, I have accepted that my relationship with my grandfather is pretty much relegated to visits with him at his store. I have respected that for a long time. (BTW, my grandmother died years before all of this.) I've only been to his home four times in the past 19 years and I did not go inside. I was only there long enough to drop off or pick up my dog from his boarding kennel.

He has pretty much been the only member of that side of the family I have kept up with. There's been occasional contact with a couple of female cousins that are younger than me and OK with the gay thing. I visited him last Thursday, for he was going into the hospital on Friday for stints to be implanted early this week. The doctors determined they cannot do the stints and that the forementioned surgery is required. At that visit, he told me to come see him. I believe that he meant while he was recovering at the hospital and at home. His recovery was to have been a short time, compared to what it will now be. Now, there is no doubt that if I'm to see my grandfather, I will have to go to his home. I'm afraid.

There are amends I need to make with some of the family that will be there. Amends for things a 16 year old kid did. Amends that I'm not sure can be made without causing harm in that they'll dredge up old hurts. But, my simply being there will dredge up the same old hurts. I have made amends with my grandfather, about a year ago. We're OK. Three other family members and I are not OK.

I always knew that my grandfather's death would be cause for one last interaction with that side of the family. Again, the obvious completely evaded me; I never even considered that he would be in this kind of situation. Bluntly, I always thought he would die quickly in his store. I would say good-bye in my own way and detach, but participate, in the standard death stuff of visitation and funeral.

One on one, he and I can have a fairly good conversation. Whenever anyone else is present, I am pretty much an observer, a stranger. I don't know what/who they're talking about; I'm not in on the joke. I can only imagine me standing or sitting, quietly watching and feeling "not a part of."

God help me. I have to go. He and I were inseparable when I was young. I did a lot of growing up with him and Grandmother, at their home and at his store, at church and on vacations. Wherever he and Grandmother were with me was a place of pure and simple love.

I so did not see this coming...

In an online chat with a friend and a later discussion with Sponz, I determined that what I'm most often looking for in people are one-night stands... in conversation. I'm a person who has always had just a few friends and many acquaintances. More than a few friends is too many for me to lavish the attention on each that I feel that my friends deserve. In living this way, I make myself unavailable/unapproachable in small-talk situations. I don't want to invest the time in you to get to know you because I fear you'll want more attention later; that my truly connecting with you will imply that we now have a relationship that needs to be maintained and nourished. I cannot commit to that, will not, and therefore avoid the intimate conversations that are quite readily available in this world.

What I want is a quickie relationship, a one-night stand, a no strings attached intimate conversation. We meet, truly relate with each other and then part. If we see each other again, a nod and hello will suffice or we may have another conversation. I don't want to exchange contact information; I don't have the time to maintain a relationship with you, not how I maintain relationships. If we never talk again, it's OK with me. I won't be offended; I hope you won't. We had a moment that was special, but our lives keep us apart. Let's reflect fondly on the memory; memories and fantasies are always better.

"We had a moment. Just one moment that will last beyond a dream, beyond a lifetime. We are the lucky ones. Some people never get to do all we got to do. Now and forever, I will always think of remember you." --Carole King (kinda...)

I wish I could tell people this up-front and then enjoy what we could have. Somehow, I don't think it would go over very well...

As soon as we returned from Atalaya, we spramped and were back in the car, heading right back to where we were. Well, actually a little further. (We'd returned to pick up and drop off others in the group.) We were on our way to the home of a friend in the program. He'd made salad, shrimp creole, rice, cornbread and pineapple cake for us! It was delicious! I had two servings of shrimp creole and rice and two slices of cake! Piggy! It was a nice little visit to his home; about a dozen of us were there.

We headed back to the resort for the 8:00 speaker meeting and sobriety count-up. The meeting was good, with the speaker regaling us with a well-presented tale of his story. The count-up was and is always a neat thing to experience. A 12 & 12 and a Big Book had been circulating amongst us in the previous events to sign. They were presented to the attendees with the shortest time of sobriety and the longest.

We headed back to the Hostility Suite for more socializing and ice cream and birthday cake. Before I went there, I went to my room to crash for a few minutes. Since it was the last night I'd be there, I called the front desk to find out when the indoor pool closed. 10:00 and it was 9:25. I hemmed and hawed for a few minutes and decided to do what I normally wouldn't. So, I got into my board shorts and a zip-up sweatshirt and sandals and headed down to the pool. (I was looking pretty good! I have been working out...) I get into the pool room and I'm alone. That's fine. Take off the sandals and sweatshirt and step into the pool. YEEEEOWWWWW!!! It was freezing!!! It may be an indoor pool, but it sure as Hell ain't heated!!! Oh well, forget that...

I head back to the room and dress a little warmer and head to the party. It was OK, but I never really got engaged in a good conversation. Rather than hanging around others' conversations or just standing there looking stupid, I headed back to the room after an hour or so. I did have a short conversation with someone that really made me feel good. An oldtimer who was the speaker at last year's QUEST approached me and commented on what I shared in the 4th & 5th workshop. He paid me several compliments on how I seemed to be working my program and offered some suggestions, too. We exchanged email addresses; I've dropped him a line. He's almost always on the go (over 200 round-ups in 10 years!), so I imagine it may be awhile before I hear from him. He's a very neat fellow and I'm glad I go to hear his story last year. A major point in it is that he got sober by stumbling into a gay AA round-up! How's that for God doing...?

Back in the room, I got my clothes ready to pack in the morning. Chilled out and watched a bit of Mad TV. My partner came in and gave me a shoulder massage, a very rare treat! Our suite mate came in and headed back out for a walk on the beach. I dozed.

Come morning, I was awake again at dawn. I peeked at it and rolled over for another hour. We got all packed and put the luggage in the car. A quick bite in the hostility suite and we headed to the last meeting. The Sunday morning gratitude meeting was a good close to the weekend. Bittersweet, but good; it ends so quickly. More contact info was exchanged and, in a short while, we were on the road. We grabbed a Starbucks - aaaaaaahhhhhh, real coffee - and made our way home. I played navigator with my new GPS for my new laptop (FABULOUS TOY/TOOL!), my partner drove and our suitemate played D.J.

I'm glad I went, participated, reflected, grew, helped, lived.

I'm back from QUEST at Myrtle Beach. Actually, we returned Sunday, but I always take a day off from work to recover from vacation! It was a pretty good trip, though it was entirely too cold for shorts. Bummer. I guess that means we'll have to go back to the beach later this year...

Friday night, in the first meeting (over 90 people!), I shared that this was my third QUEST and I was still scared. At the first one, I was scared to death of the social part - of getting to know anyone, the small talk. By the end, I didn't want it to end. At my second QUEST, it was much the same, though I did know a few people and also knew how things ran. Still I was scared at the beginning and by the end was enjoying it. I thought that, for this go 'round, I'd tell on it first thing. I'm not sure it helped, but I did participate.

Friday night, several of we NC boys went onto the pier for awhile. I took a few pics with my cellphone. They're posted on samiam.com here and here. Saturday morning, I was awake before dawn and watched the sunrise. Here and here are some pics of it. I like sober sunsets and sunrises at the beach.

Saturday morning, as I was waiting for friends to gather to head out for breakfast, I was in the hostility suite (hospitality room - hostility suite is a carryover from my leather run days...). An ad hoc meeting was scheduled for 7:30 a.m. on the beach, but with the cold weather, it had been moved to the hostility suite. There were only two folks and me. I said I would be leaving soon, but would participate until we left for breakfast. In that meeting, I share more about my fear. Basically, I stated that if the whole weekend were a meeting, I'd be just fine. I have very little reservation when it comes to sharing in a meeting. It's the in-between times that get me. At the Friday night ice cream social, I really wanted the effects of a few drinks. I didn't want to drink, but I wanted that social lubricant feeling.

The workshops were OK, though previous years' were better. I attended the 4th & 5th step workshop and the sex workshop. These were actually focused discussion meetings. They were good, but not what I expected based on previous QUEST experiences.

A group of us, comprised mostly of friends already well known but with a couple of new ones, headed out to lunch and then to Atalaya in the Huntington Beach State Park. (We went there last year, too. Go! It's magical.) One of our new friends was an absolutely hilarious tour guide. I wish we had a video - or even just audio - of it! Heading back to the resort, I was pondering how I just wasn't feeling like I was getting that much out of this QUEST. Then it occurred to me that maybe, just maybe, I wasn't supposed to get, but to give. Maybe my reason to be at this QUEST was to be of service to someone else... even if I don't know it.

We're headed to Myrtle Beach tomorrow for a gay AA round-up called QUEST. This will be my third QUEST and I'm really looking forward to it. Until QUEST, all of my adult (except one) beach trips were drinking trips. Some much heavier than others... It's nice (better than nice) to go to the beach and have a blast with a bunch of people that have fun without alcohol.

I was very shy, unsure and isolating on my first QUEST. Though I enjoyed it, I could have enjoyed it much more. The next one, I was a little more out of my shell, but still isolated a bit. I hope that I progress a bit more this time and do no isolating. We'll see...
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I'm sitting here writing this in the service center lounge at Saturn. My Vue is getting worked on. I am a bit pissy right now. The rotors on it had to be turned at 17,000 miles, 9 months after I purchased it. That was covered under warranty. I expressed concern then that they were being turned instead of replaced, since it was under warranty. Now, at 32,000 miles, they need to be replaced... for $400. I've spoken with the service manager and understand they cannot declare it warranty work; that it has to be approved by "Corporate" for such consumables. So, I called "Corporate" just a few minutes ago. Rather than address my issue now, they will have someone call me by 5:00 today. Not OK. The car is here now. I'm off work now. Taking another day off to have my car worked on is not OK. So, I'm having the work done now and one of two things will happen. They'll either refund my money or not. If they do not, there will be yet another post about Saturn on samiam.com's Rants. If they do refund the money there will be no post on Rants, but there will not be one on Raves, either.

One thing today's companies need to get through their apparently thick skulls is that customers now have a very accessible venue for sharing their poor experiences. The woman at "Corporate" said Saturn was not concerned with what a customer put on a personal website, that it would not influence their decision. That's fine, but it very well may influence a potential customer's decision to buy a Saturn. (Obviously, I've had other bad experiences with Saturn. My relationship with them is tainted.)
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Also, one of the male employee's here winked at me in that "special" way. That wink was either a "I think you're good looking" or it was a "Hey fag" thing. I'm half tempted to ask the guy, 'cause if it was harrassing, I'm on the edge of being able to become a total bitch. If he does anything else, I think I'll question him about it.
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Ending on a happy note, I have a new to for my new toy! I bought a GPS and map software for my new laptop. It's so cool! We'll be using it for the beach trip. I really bought it for use in my business, though, to go from one client's location to another.

Yesterday afternoon, I finished an audiobook I recently purchased from iTunes:


It was recommended to me by a friend in recovery a month or so ago. When I saw it as an audiobook, I had to get it.

This book should be required reading for any gay man in recovery, new through ancient. I got so wrapped up in it that I, a frequent speeder when driving, was actually taking my time to get to destinations just so I could listen to a little bit more. A major plus of listening to this audiobook is that Augusten narrates it. In the author literally telling his story, it's like a really good, really long speaker meeting. Of course, the benefit of the format is being able to listen whenever you want.

I just sent an email to Augusten, thanking him for this work. It certainly added to my recovery.