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It used to be a common thing for me to have several books going at the same time. I used to read for more than an hour in bed each night. Now, though I still have several books going at any given time, they go sooooo slooooowly. There is so much I want to read, but reading has taken such a lower priority compared to so many other things in my life. I have listened to audiobooks on the occasional long roadtrip, but had given no real consideration to making audiobooks a regular thing. That has changed. I purchased the Brokeback Mountain short story on iTunes. It was only $5 and was just over an hour. I figured it was cheap enough and, since I can rarely get in more than fifteen minutes of reading before I'm dropping the book whilst trying to stave off sleep, it seemed reasonable to listen to it in the short jaunts I drive to and from work and meetings and such.

DING! DING! DING! DING! DING! WE HAVE A WINNER!!! Audiobooks are now one of my favorite things. I was through Brokeback Mountain in two days (Great story...) and was back on iTunes, looking for my next treat. The Davinci Code has been of interest for awhile now, so that's what I got. It's a bit pricey, but it's also a lot of text/time. I'm already into the sixth disc and figure I'll be burning another eight to complete the book. WOW! I'm so glad I gave this a try. I feel like I've gotten something back that's been missing for so long.

I certainly hope that, as my employment changes this year, I'll realize more time for doing things I like to do (like get enough sleep!) and reading will become something I can again do voraciously. Until then, I think I'll be fairly voracious in listening to audiobooks. I plan to look into nonfiction for my next one, probably related to recovery/spirituality.

Not feeling very recovery-oriented today. Don't really know what I want to say... Don't get me wrong; I'm OK. I'm just not very ______ today. I have allowed myself to get lax on calling someone daily. I need to pick that back up.

I signed up for an unofficial AA Yahoo! group today and have received a few emails from them. I also signed up with a Wannadoo group on gnosticism, something I want to learn more of. It's seems to jibe very well with the "choose your own higher power" and my having done so.

I have enjoyed Pandora a bit today. Thanks to John and Celestial Blue for the tip.

I have stayed up way too late the past two nights. I don't get enough sleep as it is on weeknights, usually getting to sleep after 11:00 p.m. and awaking at 5:00ish a.m. Last night and the night before I didn't even get into bed until after midnight. H.A.L.T. (Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired) is one of the AA cliches. Experiencing one or more of these things can affect serenity and cause problems for someone in recovery. I've been living in Tired for too long. When I sleep with no alarm, I invariably sleep for about seven hours, apparently what my body needs. Still, I rarely give that to it. On many weekends, I'll sleep that long or longer, but weekdays... nah.

This is one of the reasons I'm looking forward to being my own boss. While I know a lot is going to change and there are things coming of which I'm not even the slightest bit aware, I do know that I will be able to get my seven hours most nights. It's a welcome change. A needed one.

I really like this quote that was in my email this morning. I reminds me of my visit with a career counselor last year. I was meeting with her about changing careers and leaving Konica Minolta. She redirected me into getting a certification I was afraid to test for and to continuing my business, moving it into full-time. I did get the certification within six weeks of meeting with her. After that, I did not do anything else to move towards full-time. It seems there was a bit of God in how it all developed. Imagine that.

One thing she told me that really stuck with me was that if I feel guilty charging a client for the work I've done, then I'm probably in the right field. The quote below speaks directly to what I heard when she said that. I enjoy what I do (most times!) and it does make me feel a bit funny when I charge someone for something I enjoyed doing. I do give it my all and often feel it costs me nothing. Still, it is what I will soon rely on for paying all my bills and such.

"That's what I consider true generosity. You give your all, and yet you always feel as if it costs you nothing."
--Simone de Beauvoir

Without my sobriety, there is absolutely no way I would be able to do this work. I'd be unreliable, unwilling to take on jobs, resentful that work was keeping me from my drinking, irritable and worse due to hangovers. I am grateful for my sobriety and the opportunities that are now so vast.

Paraphrased from a daily reading in A Life of My Own by Karen Casey

My journey is special and necessary to the other travelers on my path.

Sometimes (and certainly less frequently than it used to be) I get into that funk of "What the Hell's this all for? Why am I trying? Is that all there is? (Thanks, Peggy Lee!)" I haven't really been there in awhile, but to think I'll never go there again would be naive. Like described in another daily reading, life is like a pendulum - full of opposites, swinging back and forth, trying to achieve balance. I have noticed in myself lately a new thing in my prayers: being grateful for the "bad" stuff, the lessons. The above statement really struck a chord in me. It makes me think that when things are not going my way, when I'm in a funk and can't get out of it but have to go through it, that when I'm making everything all about me, it's still not about me. When I get dark and venture into places in my head I should not go alone, I need to remember that I'm not here just for me. In some way, perhaps so small as to seem insignificant to me, I am also here for at least someone else, maybe more. Maybe I've only one thing to do and it may not be due 'til when I'm 84, but that one thing may be of great import to one single person. It may be nothing but a smile or a nod to a passing stranger...

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JJ! Thank you so much for my surprise! Because of it, if you really do see me, you may see a LOT MORE of me! Mmmmmmmmm.......

I read Touchstones online when I got into work this morning. Since the link changes content everyday, I'll post it:

You have got to know what it is you want, or someone is going to sell you a bill of goods somewhere along the line that can do irreparable damage to your self esteem, your sense of worth, and your stewardship of the talents that God gave you.
--Richard Nelson Bolles

In recovery, getting to know ourselves sometimes means developing a new form of toughness. As we deepen our relationships with ourselves, we have a clearer sense of what we care about, what is truly important, and what is not. Certainly we have learned there is evil in the world. Harm does come to good people and the good side does not always win. So we must be men who know ourselves and are not pushovers when our basic values and needs are challenged. We leave room for being wrong, and we continue to grow and learn. But we stand up for what we believe as we see it today.

We must not join the forces that would put us down or destroy us. Those negative forces are within us more often than they are outside. Wherever they come from, knowing clearly what we want and care about is our strongest defense.

I will seek the wisdom to know my values and the strength to defend my beliefs.

After thinking about this reading, I made a list of what I want - general, but big things with some specifics. I haven't actually compiled such a thing, ever. Though it's not really the gist of the reading, the reading prompted my action. It's a good thing for me to have this written down. I'm sure it will evolve; it should. Some of it is below:

I want:
- to live in downtown Greensboro
- to be my own boss
- to have more in-between days*
- to share living expenses
- to have friends visit regularly
- to attend meetings at various times
- to volunteer
- to exercise regularly at the gym
- to have medical insurance
- to be more educated in my field
- to be free of unsecured debt

* "In-between days" are what I experienced this past Saturday. I got up that morning, at 7:30, went to service a client's PC, visited my grandfather, had lunch with my grandmother, visited immediate family of a distant relative that died, picked up a friend at the airport, went home and did administrative work, went to an evening meeting, went to dinner with 14 other people in recovery, went home and watched some TV shows I recorded, went to bed. Add to that the surreal look/feel of the day because the weather being overcast. The whole day was part weekday, part weekend. It was in between the two kinds of days I normally have.

A series of events happened that resulted in my discussing with someone I love my probable interaction with another someone who has hurt us both very much. Having done my stepwork (one round of it, starting again...), my feelings towards the person who hurt us are very different than they were. Though I doubt we'd (re)build any kind of relationship, I can see my part in much of what happened, especially at the end. This person is on my amends list and, at some point, I will make an attempt to meet and clean up. I know I will have great fear when I do, but I know when the time is right, I'll be exactly where I'm supposed to be, doing what I'm supposed to do. Still, I am already better from having worked on this with my sponsor and having grown in my program and in my relation to God. The person who hurt me no longer really holds any power over me. I am free of resentment there and choose to simply acknowledge that "what was, was, and what is, is."

While discussing this with my loved one, I wanted so badly to give the gifts I've received in acceptance. I cannot. I cannot adequately state what I've got. For a "normal" person to get it makes it more difficult. I can only hope that the changes in me foster desire and effort for this loved one to let it go. I know a better life is available, but I cannot proselytize. Even (or maybe especially) to people who are not alcoholic. What I can do is be there, be an example of what can happen, and allow anyone who I think needs help to decide for themselves. Also, I can accept them and not judge them. I hope I remember to choose to do these things.

The North Carolina Conference of Young People in Alcoholics Anonymous is putting on an affair tonight that my partner and I plan to attend. It's called Cafe AA and is a social gathering starting at 9:30 p.m. They plan to have an open mic, card games and lots of Starbucks coffee. That's pretty much all I know about it, all I heard about it in a meeting's announcements. It will be the second purely social (yet, still recovery oriented) event we'll have attended in the area. The last one was not even close to being our "thing" and we stayed no longer than 15 minutes. That was New Year's Eve; a dance was held and (bless 'em, they did their best) it was entirely too much like a high school dance for this little queer couple. Loud music, probably 10 people dancing, everyone else playing wallflower... At least they were sober and didn't have to bring in the New Year alone. I'm glad such events are available to us all and am looking forward to tonight's.

Events like these, even more specifically than meetings (including the before and after meetings), are excellent opportunities for those of us that couldn't "party" sober to learn how to mingle with people. Small talk has often been the bane of my existence. I'd rather not talk than to stumble through awkward small talk. Still, over the past couple of years, I've started gaining that skill. I think I have a pretty unique opportunity that "normal" people rarely get. I get to interact with people from ALL walks of life on a regular basis. The kicker is that I am afforded a certain leniency by many of them when trying to talk to them. They generally know my story (I'm an alcoholic - there are some consistencies from one to the next) and know what I'm trying to do. Just as I interact with people that approach me, even though we'd likely never interact in the "real world," so do people interact with me. I have a wonderful series of playgrounds for me to hone my skills and get just a little more comfortable in my skin.

My employer of almost 16 years is closing. I've been there since before the grand opening of the plant and plan to be there for as long as I can until the closing. What a blessing this is for me. I know many people in the company do not see this as such, but for me, it's wonderful. I'm getting 9 months salary as part of my severence package. That will allow me to fully give my business time to try to flourish as my only job. If it doesn't work out, I'll find employment elsewhere, but, if I can be my own boss, I really want to do that.

I'm not one to talk of blessings and miracles often or lightly. My starting this business over 18 months ago, getting comfortable with it, and receiving a severence package are truly the works of God's hand. There are so many things that had to happen for me to be where I am today. There is absolutely no way I could have planned or executed this. I have done my part and gotten out of the way. I hope I continue to do so.

Wow! What a ride!
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By the way, thank you all for stopping by here so regularly, reading my ramblings and leaving comments. Though I don't reply to all the comments, I do read them and greatly appreciate them. Though I don't always have something relevant to leave as a comment on your sites, I want you to know I've been there and read what you wrote. In that time, you've been on my mind. Many times, you're on my mind later, too. I wish I had something as perfectly crafted as JJ's "I see you," but "happy day" is what I've got for now. I'm really enjoying expanding my world of blogging friends and really feel I have missed something when on some days I don't get to stop by your blogs. It's really neat getting to know you all.

happy day!

I don't have to be perfect today. After 35 years of trying to be perfect, I finally am. I'm perfectly imperfect. Though I'm getting better at not beating myself for not being perfect, I've a ways to go. I am better, though. Still, one place that I've difficulty reconciling my newfound freedom... work. Specifically, my small business. Here is where I am most demanding of myself and most critical of my shortcomings. Here is where clients are paying for me to be perfect. When something is wrong and has me stumped, it really fscks with my serenity. It can dominate my thinking, almost like the thought of a drink used to dominate my thoughts. I am practicing letting it go when I'm not at work, but, as many small business owners know, when it's your business, you're never "not at work." I do pray. I do use my other tools and I must admit that I recognize that I handle adversity differently than I would have had I not been actively working my program for the past two and a half years.

It truly is progress, not perfection, even where perfection is a commodity.

How did the phrase "three sheets to the wind" come to refer to being drunk?

Dear Yahoo!:
How did the phrase 'three sheets to the wind' come to refer to being drunk?
Tippi

Dear Tippi:
Drink up, me hearties, yo ho! The sailing life gave us the intoxicating phrase 'three sheets to the wind,' although 'three sheets in the wind' came first.

Among nautical folks, a 'sheet' refers to the rope used to secure a ship's sail. On the square-rigged ships of yore, three sheets were needed to tie up the sails. So, if all three of the ship's sheets were loose in the wind, the sail would flop about and the ship would go off course -- rather like a drunken sailor staggering around on shore.

'Three sheets in the wind' was first recorded in 1821 by Pierce Egan in his work 'Real Life in London.' In those days, sailors had a rating system for their inebriation. 'One sheet' was merely tipsy, and it went up to 'four sheets,' meaning unconscious. Yo ho ho and a bottle of rum, indeed.

I've found acceptance comes more easily in my life now. Still, it's something that takes time. Thankfully, it doesn't take as long now as it used to. On occasion, it's even been an instant kind of thing. More often, though, it's something I have to wait for. Frustration, especially immediate frustration over small things, is often much greater than my acceptance. The PC that won't operate properly, the cellphone that is ringing and get's stuck in my pocket, the person that is obviously either too stupid to drive or is trying to kill me -- these things can bring my instant rage to the surface. It comes so quickly that acceptance doesn't have a chance to even get started intercepting it. Upon reflection, I often gain acceptance. More often, the quick rage is simply gone and I'm onto the next thing, not even giving it a second thought. Acceptance?

Still, my raging, though maybe short-lived, has caused problems for others. Not always, but I do know that I scare people with it. I don't have their perspective on it; I cannot see myself in that instant. I wonder what they see; they've difficulty describing it. I am improving on this. The rages are significantly fewer than during the previous years. My cleaning up is usually much more immediate now. I look forward to growing enough (getting enough practice?) to gain acceptance before the rage, rather than after. I think that would make like much better, make me more happy, joyous and free.

msmegnolia, over at Ruminations of an addict is "coming up with qualities I like about myself." Her sharing that reminded me of an exercise I did with a group of recovering friends. We had a little regular get-together at a home and one of the tasks we assigned ourselves was to bring in a list of things we liked about ourselves. I'd never done such a thing and it was a difficult task until I started it. Once I sat in front of a computer and put hand to keyboard & mouse, It was on. I found that having a dictionary/thesaurus site up was of great help. In making my list and like any good alcoholic, I went overboard and gave not only words, but their definitions. The resulting list was very good for me to produce and I'm glad I kept it. Thanks, msmegnolia, for reminding me to look at it again. Here's my list:

I Am...

intelligent - mentally acute
Showing sound judgment and rationality

teachable - Able and willing to learn
curious - Eager to learn more
amenable - Responsive to advice, authority, or suggestion; willing
Responsible to higher authority; accountable
Susceptible or open, as to testing or criticism
creative - Characterized by originality and expressiveness; imaginative

loyal - Faithful to a person, ideal, custom, cause, or duty

sensitive - Susceptible to the attitudes, feelings, or circumstances of others

passionate - Capable of, having, or dominated by powerful emotions
Showing or expressing strong emotion; ardent

caring - To be concerned or interested
Feeling and exhibiting concern and empathy for others

honest - Marked by or displaying integrity; upright
Not deceptive or fraudulent; genuine
Equitable; fair
Sincere; frank

introverted - examining own sensory and perceptual experiences
Introverts are thoughtful, imaginative, tend to work independently and think outside the box. Introverts are keen observers and sensitive listeners. Introverts prefer to be involved intimately with one person and are often drawn to life’s spiritual side. Introverts are not antisocial, shy, or aloof.

conscientious - guided by or in accordance with conscience or sense of right and wrong

humane - Characterized by kindness, mercy, or compassion
having a disposition to treat other human beings or animals with kindness; kind; benevolent

Major news is coming from my full-time employer on Thursday... Layoff, closing or sold. I'm OK about it. I need a kick in the ass to leave this place; I've been here for 15 years. A decent severance package would do wonders for me being able to grow my small biz and become entirely self-employed. I'm so happy that whatever happens, I'll be OK. Tension is growing here; there are many bits of information being exchanged by employees. I have a long list of the things that, if they occurred alone would indicate little, but the confluence of them all is pretty damning.

I'm taking the afternoon off to do some work for my small biz. I'm so grateful for its existence. I started it about a year and a half ago and have let it grow without pushing it. What a blessing...

Earlier this week I scheduled this afternoon off so I could ride the new motorcycle. It's 67 degrees and sunny... YAY! Mr. Weatherman! I wasn't on the bike for long, but I got up my gumption and rode it to the housing development behind our home. Nervous and exhilarated and nervous and more nervous, I toddled up and down the driveway a couple of times and then was on the road. About a hundred yards down the road is the entrance to the development. Once there, I went to an undeveloped part that's been paved. I did OK for awhile, but then I got a little wonky in my coordination when I realized I was not going to complete a turn. I laid the bike over. It wasn't bad; I was going very slowly. I just wasn't stopped and put my left foot down and, with the bike moving foward, when it started to go over, my left leg was ill-positioned to stop it. I immediately cut the engine, got out from under it and, after a couple of tries, got it back up. I accidently hit the horn both times! "Hey everybody! Look at this guy who thinks he can ride a bike!" Nah, that only was in my head for a quick moment. I got back on the bike, composed myself and started again. I rode several more lengths of the road and 90 degree and 180 degree turns. After those, I got back on the "in-use" roads and went home.

Had I still been drinking and if I'd ever even gotten on a bike in those days, I would've had lots of vodka shots to "steady my nerves" and to celebrate my accomplishment. Today I don't need that or want it. I'm simply content with having taken a small step, suffered a small setback, continued trying and stopping the lesson after a short while. Today I don't have to do it all at once.

I got a boo-boo on my leg when I laid the bike down. It's the subject of my entry for this week's half-nAAked Thursday.

Granny and I met for lunch today to have a little celebration of Granddaddy's birthday. Granddaddy died several years ago. I was drinking then, but still had many years left of "good" drinking. When he was in the hospital just before he died, John Barleycorn helped me do something I just couldn't do sober at the time: visit Granddaddy alone and sincerely thank him for all he'd done for me, all the love he'd given me, all the times we spent together, all the lessons he'd taught me - to truly tell him I loved him and to tell him good-bye.

It was after visiting hours one night, maybe around 10:00, and I'd been out drinking. I don't even know what I'd done that night, but I wasn't very drunk. Driving home (drunk, yes), the thought struck me to go talk with Granddaddy. He'd been in the hospital for several days, his health steadily declining. I'd been over everyday, but never alone. He was lucid most of the time, but couldn't talk. So, I went to the hospital and straight to his room. In the low light, I pulled a chair beside his bed. I held his hand and I said what I needed to say. I wish I could've done it sober, but that just was not in me at that time. I imagine he knew I was a little drunk, not so much from physical mannerisms, but for the fact that I was saying things I'd never said. I was a good grandson and we'd always had an amazing relationship, but we'd never talked like this. This was the type of talk that I, as a gay man, would almost never have with a straight man, even my grandfather. But, it needed saying and alcohol loosened me up enough to do it. Admitting that hurts a bit; that my being gay (and afraid) almost kept me from saying thank you and good-bye to my grandfather and that using alcohol was the only way I could do it.

Granddaddy died the next afternoon. Granny, my mother and I were in the room with him when he died. A preacher and friend of the family was also there. As he was leaving, he touched Granddaddy and Granddaddy drew his last breath. I held mine.

I went to the bimonthly GSR (General Service Representative - Two good references are here and here.) meeting yesterday. Since I am stepping down from that role in my homegroup (in preparation for moving to another homegroup), another homegroup member joined me at the meeting to see if she'd be OK with the position. Attendance was very poor, but the work got done. I think I'll probably still attend GSR meetings, just to have a bit more knowledge of what's going on in AA as a whole. Fortunately, anyone in AA can attend a GSR meeting (at least ours); one does not have to represent a homegroup. I'm happy that my homegroup has a new GSR and I believe she will do an excellent job of communicating to and for this group.

BTW, in searching for a good description of a GSR, I (of course) went to the main AA website. They've done a nice bit of updating of the sire design. Check 'em out...

Heard before the meeting tonight:

What is relapse for an Al-Anon?

A moment of compassion.

This was told to me in front of an Al-Anon friend that brings her husband to our meetings. She was picking on me a bit and I was jabbing back (all friendly, of course) and this was the coup de grâce, offered by a kind AA soul.

After the meeting, she and her husband and a few more of us went to dinner. It was a great time.

Oddly Enough News Article | Reuters.com: "AMSTERDAM (Reuters) - Dutch troops helping earthquake survivors in Pakistan have complained that while they are subject to an alcohol ban, Spanish and British soldiers laugh at their austerity and turn up drunk at their campfire.

'We were told before we arrived that alcohol was banned in this country or else very difficult to get hold of and we accepted this,' one soldier told the Dutch daily De Telegraaf.

'The Spanish drive around with cars full of Heineken ... and the English laugh at us when they show up at our campfire drunk,' another Dutch soldier said.

A Dutch defense ministry spokesman said it was standard policy to ban alcohol in Muslim countries in line with local custom and Dutch troops were being well looked after.

'Tens of thousands of people lost their lives in the earthquake and hundreds of thousands lost everything they had,' he said. 'Going without alcohol is a small sacrifice toward a very good cause.'"

Nothing postworthy is occurring to me... Time for a gratitude list?

• some people have more faith in me than I do - it helps me grow
• having the "high quality problem" of needing an accountant to do my taxes
• getting tickets to Brokeback Mountain for tonight and having friends join us
• not feeling as trapped in my full-time job as I used to feel
• being OK with loving as much as I can when it's not as much as I get
• that I know serenity and I know peace - by knowing them, I also know when I don't have them
• that I know what to do when I do not have serenity and peace - that I can trudge through those times, doing what I'm being trained to do to regain them and learn how to further protect and nurture them
• that I'm willing to do these things
• that today I'm OK and took time to be grateful

Happy weekend!

I purchased A Million Little Pieces by James Frey on Tuesday night. I read sixty pages that night before I made myself turn out the light after midnight. I read another seventy-five pages yesterday. I'm engrossed. I'm not one to carry around a book to read whenever I can, but I'm carrying this one around quite a bit. I've wept several times while reading it; I can so easily relate to him and his story. His story, thus far, is so very different from my own, but I can still relate so painfully. His is where I could go...

There seems to be a bit of a stir about this book within parts of the recovery community, particularly in AA. Mr. Frey denounces AA and is downright cutting with some of his opinions and remarks about 12-step recovery. I'm OK with that. I am reading what he has to share and am getting a lot from it. Disparate opinions do not scare me; they make me think. From the thinking, I can change my mind in any direction. I can be enlightened in some way that may help me more. I can gain more conviction that what I'm doing is what's right for me. I can grow in any number of ways.

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It's half-nAAked Thursday. Check 'em out here.

Last night I'd planned to rush from a 6:00 meeting to a meditation group I found online that meets at 7:30 every Tuesday - across town. Well, I'm no longer one to run out of a meeting and last night's was a good one. Chatting with friends afterwards, I was invited to join them for dinner. Since this particular combination of folk rarely happens (first time for me), I chose to do that instead and keep things simple. No need to stress out trying to get to a meditation session...

Our dinner party consisted of my best friend, his sponsor, his grandsponsor, my grandsponsor, and (of course) me. I'm really glad I chose to join them. We all contributed to a great conversation and my grandsponz and I had a really good short conversation, as well. It was an event I look forward to participating in again. The spontaneity was perfect; planning this would have killed it.

Also, Grandsponz and I have been teasing around this idea of being dance partners and taking some kind of dancing lessons. We further cemented this last night and I'm looking into our options today.

Tonight I'm attending a meeting of a local political party chapter. I will not take on any responsibilities; I'm there to listen and learn.

I have the meditation group on my calendar for next week. We'll see how I'm doing next Tuesday. Then I'll choose whether to miss the meeting and go to the meditation. Maybe I'll just leave a little early...

Simple...

I'm very happy the holiday season is over. I didn't realize just how much I depend on my routine. I'm sure, had my head been a bit better during all this, veering from my routine for so long would not have been quite so difficult. But, that's not what happened. Now I'm back in my routine and ready for some steady days of work, exercise, meeting, & sleep with the occasional diversion here and there. I need to be Simple Sam for awhile and that's exactly what I'm going to try to be.

I'm not doing this again. Next year, I'll either be asleep come midnight or I'll be at the queer bar. I'm not saying I'll be drinking, but I'll be damned if I'm gonna try to celebrate with only non-drinkers. What crap.

The day was pretty OK. Greg and I went to Granny's to take down her Christmas decorations. She wasn't there; had already gone to her niece's home for an afternoon party. We made quick work of it and headed over to the family get-together. It was mostly good and enjoyable; I like the hosts very much. Some of the other family there I give about as much a damn for as they give for me. There were a few awkward conversational moments, but I easily walked away feeling no codependence for the awkwardness and their discomfort with it. Many of them are scared/repulsed by fags. Anyway, like I said, the party was mostly enjoyable and I'm glad we went. About 6:00, we took Granny home, said our goodbyes and headed home.

We tended the dogs and checked the showtimes for "Fun with Dick and Jane." We went to Starbuck's and then to the 9:00 showing of the movie. It's a fun flick and the audience was good, too. After that, being unable to get in touch with any of our sober buddies, we headed over to the church where our AA district was putting on a meal, speaker meeting and a dance. There were supposed to be 200 to 300 people there. Apparently there were, but all but about 30 left, 'cause it was dead at about 10:50. We tried friends again, to no avail, and decided to leave. The coffee shops were all closed. We tried friends again and decided to go to the queer bar.

A friend called us back and said he and others were going to a tapas restaurant to ring in the new year. We were right at it and decided to join them instead. Love our friends and glad we got to ring in the new year with them, but the restaurant was a big mistake. They'd turned the joint into a nightclub for the evening and it sucked. After paying $15 to get in, we chose to stay and ring in the new year. Then we left at about 12:05. Oh well... At least at the queer bar, I'd have known several people and, considering how infrequently I go to it, when I do it's kinda like a high school homecoming. To top it all, I just got a message from one of the friends we were calling, my best friend, and he and a fun crowd were at the queer bar. Fsck me.

Anyway, to all of you, I hope 2006 brings you more joy than sorrow and more peace than unrest; awareness and acceptance, healthy perspectives and safety in sobriety.

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, wisdom to know the difference and patience to gain the wisdom.