raanch

Just a quick post to stay in touch...

Thanks for all the holiday wishes; I hope your holidays have gone well and continue to do so.

I had a nice little Christmas present. One of my dearest friends lives in Florida (I'm lucky to see him once a year...) and was not planning to come to NC to visit his family during Christmas. He changed his mind at the last minute and came up after all. He called on Christmas day, thinking we'd be at our home. Instead, we were at Granny's house and he was about two blocks from there. So he came over to Granny's for an hour or so and we all had a great visit. It was a special Christmas present to see him. It's funny... I'm forever saying I'm related to half of Alamance County. After talking with Granny for awhile, Todd and she determined that we're probably related. Granny's investigating further.

Also, Greg and I are supposed to pick up his/our motorcycle tomorrow. We went to DMV today; he got his motorcycle endorsement and I got my learner's permit. I'll be practicing what I learned in the class in a parking lot nearby (as will Greg!). After I get a more comfortable with the basics of operating a motorcycle, I'll take the class again.

Seeing as I'm not in my routine, regular posting will resume next week. However, I reserve the option to post before then!

Happy Hanukah and Happy New Year!

I almost forgot to post today... I worked from 9-1 today and then ran around all afternoon. I'm happy to say I'm pretty much back to (good) normal, if not better/different normal. Not only have I gotten through this dark time, but I've learned a few things, had an epiphany. I'm not going to share what I learned here; maybe I will on ISS, maybe not. Still, I've grown from this past week and am grateful that I remained sober going through it and came out on the other side better than I went in.

We had a wonderful evening tonight with a couple of "pre-sobriety" friends. We've maintained contact with only a few and this couple is part of the few. I'm so glad real friends stick around.

I'll probably not write anymore until after Christmas, so, just in case, Merry Christmas and Happy Hanukkah!

Tuesday and Wednesday sucked. I'm better now. After meeting with my sponsor on Monday and talking about my insanity, I was instructed to share about it in a discussion meeting and ask for experience, strength and hope. I went to a 6:00 discussion meeting on Tuesday. I shared and many people spoke their truths. A quick bit after the meeting and I was off to another meeting, a beginners' meeting. It was good, too. I was starting to pull up and out of my crap. Then my best friend and I went for coffee and I got all into me again. As he was trying to give me help, I was too into me to listen. We parted bitterly and it hurt both of us. I went home and straight to bed.

Wednesday, I got off work at 10:15 a.m. and was trying to get to a 10:30 meeting. I was speeding and got stopped by a sheriff. He ticketed me for 54 in a 45, though he clocked me at 60. First ticket in many years. I don't have to deal with it right now. Court date isn't until January 20. I got to the meeting at about 10:50. It wasn't a great meeting. I sat there at one point thinking, "I got a ticket for this?" Yeah, still into me... I went from there to a 12:10 meeting. Before it, I started getting better. I walked for a few blocks to drop some mail off for delivery, browsed a neat little retail shop and got a luxury coffee. Back at the church for the meeting, I saw several people I knew and some with whom I'm more than an acquaintance. I'd never attended this meeting, but I participated fully, reading the Traditions and sharing about how I related to what we were reading in the Big Book, The Family Afterwards. I've chills right now remembering it. I really got through a lot of my funk after that.

I went and exercised for an hour or so and tanned and sat in the hot tub. From there I ran a few errands and then went to a 6:00 meeting. It was good and my funk was pretty much gone. I went home and, got a little bitchy. After about an hour, I was doing well. I baked a [insert big arm-flailing gesture here] fabulous cake to take to work on Thursday. In doing that, I stayed downstairs and interacted with Greg rather than staying in my office, as is my standard modus operandi. Just before bed, we set up three of those tack little spiral white light trees in the front yard. It looks pretty good.

I stopped being so into me. I stopped feeling so crappy. Figures.

Oh, yeah. I prayed throughout all of this. I suppose I oughta call my sponsor, too. Didn't do that...
_________________________

Hey! Almost forgot to add the half-nAAked Thursday link...

People are often unreasonable, irrational, and self-centered.
Forgive them anyway.

If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives.
Be kind anyway.

If you are successful, you will win some unfaithful friends and some genuine enemies.
Succeed anyway.

If you are honest and sincere people may deceive you.
Be honest and sincere anyway.

What you spend years creating, others could destroy overnight.
Create anyway.

If you find serenity and happiness, some may be jealous.
Be happy anyway.

The good you do today, will often be forgotten.
Do good anyway.

Give the best you have, and it will never be enough.
Give your best anyway.

In the final analysis, it is between you and God.
It was never between you and them anyway.



Origin of this is explained here.

i'm a bit funky
kinda dry drunky
don't want a drink
don't wanna think
slept late today
not feeling gay (um... yeah - early 20th century definition...)
crease in my brow
wanna hide in a crowd
so tired and blah
throat's a bit sore, ahhh
down from the weekend
my hill has steepened
am I going up or down
or running around
need a push from a friend
or a pull from the Hand
afraid of a stumble
to watch it all crumble
acceptance is key
with awareness in league
gotta pull up and out
have faith and no doubt
can't stop this rhyme
it takes up time
want another new life
simple, no strife
can't have what i want
so myself i just haunt
willingness is there
so is "i don't care"
apathy and desire
water and fire
in the same vessel
good and bad wrestle
go through the motions
avoid poison potions
is this a geek's rap or what
your ears would be shut (remember i'm southern - "what" is pronounced "wut")
if this were played out loud
it's just a wordy pout
forget you read it
let's all forget it
i'll be through this soon
perhaps with new moon
my head will be clearer
my serenity nearer
save myself from this beating
and get to a meeting
it's time to stop writing
ready, here it comes... i'm stopping now.

I don't really know what to write about today. The weekend was a bit of a bummer. Read about that here. I've already done a bit of checking and there is another course taught locally that's a four-day course. We'll see... I'd like to either have some practice before taking another course of get some one-on-one training.

Almost ready for the holidays. Not all that excited, though. I prefer my regular routine unless something fun is going on, like our Asheville trip last weekend. During the next couple of weeks, I'll be around here and on days off from work, figuring what to do to avoid boredom will suck. I'll attend more meetings, yes, and I'll go exercise, too. But... well, I guess I'll just see what is available. These are times that I used to drink, not only because I'm an alcoholic, but because I was bored and drinking at home dulled me down to a point of little things entertaining me. Then there's the time at the bars and clubs, whiling away life by the night. It's amazing how time passed so quickly when I was drunk. Now it sometimes seems to be interminable.

I'm glad I'm not drinking and that I'm not obsessed with getting a drink/getting drunk. But, I do have to admit there is the occasional wistfulness for getting that just-right buzz and partying the night away.

I spoke with my sponsor several months ago about my growing dissatisfaction with my homegroup. We talked at length about it and she shared that sometimes we outgrow our homegroup. I've been in this group for about 2 and a half years and have been one of a very small cadre of members that are very active in keeping it running. Our group meets in a sobriety clubhouse six days a week. Our members are mostly in their first year of sobriety and, as is the case with those in our condition, many of them do not stay long. Our group is pretty unstructured and off the cuff. The meetings are not as controlled as others in the area. The active members have attempted to put in place some structure, but as a whole, the group is very lenient on all things AA (and not so AA). Still, this group has grown and thrives. It is right where it needs to be and it serves those wanting to stop drinking very well. I know it has served me quite well. I'm glad it's here and will continue to support it as I can.

I have grown a bit in these past couple of years and am wanting a more focused homegroup. I want to join a group that meets only once a week, helping promote active participation of its members. My current homegroup has its business meeting the last Sunday of each month. Pretty much only those members that attend our regular Sunday meeting attend the business meeting afterwards and then only a few stay. Those members that attend meetings the other five days are extremely rare attendees of the business meetings. Also, out entire effort is in having meetings. I want to join a group that does other service work, like carrying meetings to hospitals and such. I want to learn and grow in a homegroup that is structured like suggested in the AA pamphlet on homegroups. I feel like I've done what I need to do in my current group; my self-assumed duties have helped the group in various ways and, more importantly, helped me get and stay sober. Those duties have now been assumed by an elected secretary and are in her capable hands. I've offered to help in the transition, if needed. Another of the cadre, previously our only elected officer - the treasurer, is also stepping down. Our new treasurer is also quite capable and when he's established the financial account, I'll empty the coffers that are in my name and close the account. Then my internal workings in the group will be closed and I can focus on doing my next right thing. If I stay as I have, the chances of me being a control freak increase and none of us needs that.

I love this group and hope it continues to help the many newcomers find their way. Many have and have already moved on to other groups. I stayed behind awhile and now it's time for me to go. I will certainly attend some of their meetings and, since membership is not required by them to chair their meetings, may still occasionally chair a meeting. Perhaps I'll rejoin someday and be able to share some of what I learn in other groups. Perhaps that's arrogant and not meant to be. Regardless, I hope for continued success of this group and their amazing ways of drawing and helping newcomers.

Today we had an ice storm (freezing rain - a common winter thing in NC, at least more common than snow) from early morning 'til, well, I ain't been outside in awhile and have no windows (other than the 'puters!), so it may still be going on. It's supposed to end before noon and temps are to rise to the upper 30's. Anyway, since this was our first winter weather event, I requested today off work, just in case it was nasty. It wasn't bad at all when I came to work at 6:30 this morning.

When I was drinking, this would have been a hangover day. Even though the road conditions were OK, I would not have come in. Instead, in celebration of the generosity of Mother Nature, I'd have been drunk as hell last night and would likely still have been in bed right now. Thankfully, that is not where I am today. The days of me loving getting snowed/iced in are pretty much over. I'd much rather get out and live my life than be stuck at home.

Check out half-nAAked Thursday...

I just called someone for the first time, a fella I know only in the rooms and with whom I've had only the simplest of conversations. He asked me to speak at a meeting last January (I did) and gave me his phone number in case I needed to contact him about it. We had a nice little chat about several things including my home group changing our meetings to non-smoking.

The smoking issue has been pretty active in our home group meetings and we've had several folks ask us to consider changing some or all of our meeting to non-smoking. We finally made a decision and, as of Januray 1, all of our meetings will be non-smoking.

I quit smoking when I picked up my last 90-day chip. Exercising (to an increasing degree) my people-pleasing skills, I was a "good ex-smoker" and didn't bitch about being around it. As a matter of fact, I didn't understand why so many ex-smokers do bitch about it. My greatest gripe was the inconvenience of being around smokers in a non-smoking environment. It seems as though smokers are forever running outside, leaving the non-smokers alone in the restaurant or wherever. Three or four months ago, I noticed smoke was really starting to bother me. I am asthmatic (and, yes, I smoked!) and being "trapped" in a smoking home or such with several smokers really started to cause my chest to tighten. Also, my sense of smell is now absolutely assaulted by smoke, especially when it's trapped in my clothes.

Still, I never took a stand with my home group because we have a lot of newcomers in our meetings. I'd rather endure the smoke (or go to another meeting - which I find myself doing more and more) than for a newcomer to not come or to leave the room for a cigarette and miss something. Yeah yeah... I know about "any lengths" and if they're not willing to go an hour without a smoke, then perhaps they've not hit bottom. I told ya there was some people-pleasing involved. However, though our meetings will be non-smoking, the club still allows it, so if one must have a cigarette, one can go into the kitchen side and smoke. And if the folks talking in the meeting are loud enough, one can even hear the meeting from that side.

The place is still going to be pretty smokey, so the likelihood of my attending fewer meetings there is high. I'm pretty sure I'll be changing my home group in the near future; to where, I'm not yet sure. That's for another post...

While writing a comment on the previous post, I miskeyed "alcoholic" and wrote "alsoholic." I got a chuckle from it. A Google on "alsoholic" turns up 419 hits, but they seem to be occurrences of the typo variety. I wonder if I may have stumbled upon a new term. To me, it seems a fitting word for many in our community, but could go other ways, too.

al·so·hol·ic

n.

1. One who is alcoholic and cross-addicted to other substances and/or behaviors.
2. One who is a member of any 12-step recovery program other than Alcoholics Anonymous.
3. One who is logorrheic and frequently uses "also" whilst manifesting their disease.

adj.

1. Of or pertaining to the disease of alsoholism
   

Suggestions for further usage?

I was just telling a senior manager at work about our visit to Biltmore. As we were ending our conversation, he asked if we went to the winery. I simply said that we didn't have time. I know I don't have to volunteer any information about my alcoholism, but I still am unprepared to answer without little white lies when asked directly about things that involve alcohol. Another instance is a co-worker that wants me to work on his ailing home PC. He sent an email detailing the problem and requesting my help and ended it with, "OR would you rather stop by the house and drink cheap beer (or decent wine) while fixing it?" Fortunately, other options were presented, so I'll likely not even have to address it, but it's a good example of what I periodically am presented with. I suppose the greater part of the slight discomfort in both of these situations is that both of these people have known me at work for a long time, 16+ and 9+ years respectively. They know that I used to drink, but don't know that I don't anymore. The senior manager was my senior manager at one point of my frequently-get-drunk-and-miss-work-due-to-a-MAJOR-hangover phase that lasted several years. I suppose he'd probably be happy to know I don't do that anymore...

My partner and I are running off to Asheville, NC, to celebrate the 8th anniversary of his 27th birthday. Neither of us has ever seen Biltmore all dressed up for Christmas. We're doing that tonight at 10:00. I've already printed out the AA schedule for Asheville and they have a gay meeting tonight at 8:00; I hope we can get to it. Still, we'll get to at least one meeting there. I really like experiencing AA meetings away from home.

Well, two days and two phone calls... First day I got a machine and yesterday I got a live one. I'll make call #3 in a few minutes. It's not that the phone is too heavy, though it is on occasion. It's more that I've just never been a phone talkin' kind of guy. Still, to talk with someone in the program (or just someone...) and hear the lift in their voice is chill-inspiring. My preferred method of contacting folks "just because" is via email, voicemail or snailmail. I guess that comes from my desire to not bug someone with an ill-timed phone call. That comes from my own annoyance pretty much anytime my phone rings. I just don't like phones; they're intrusive and rude. They just interrupt whenever, whatever I'm doing. I much prefer to have a voicemail and call back at a convenient time. That's also why I like to schedule phonecalls that I know will be lengthy. I most often place "just visiting" calls when I'm driving alone, 'cause it's often unused time. Also, when I reach my destination, I have a reason to end my call.

Also, it's half-nAAked Thursday! My post is here.

I went to a new meeting last night, a beginner's meeting. It started about a month ago and has strong support; there were probably about 50 people there. I hadn't even thought about going to it, but I found out a friend was picking up his 90-day chip there and I chose to go.

The meeting was run differently from any I've attended. Two moderators started us off with the tools and then we went around the room introducing ourselves and stating our sobriety dates. It was an interesting exercise, for in this area, we don't include our DOS when introducing ourselves, unless we're telling our stories. It took awhile and many of us kinda stumbled in our delivery because of the unfamiliarity of doing it. I liked it. Also, in this meeting, we raise our hand to request to share; something else new for our area that messed up more than one person. [chuckle] The moderators spoke a little and then requested shares on a specific idea, the first being, "What is it that makes one an alcoholic?" After a few shares, the moderators spoke more and queried about using our tools to arrest the obsession to take a drink. A few more shares and the topic moved into prayer. It was a refreshing change of pace. There were many people there I knew and many more faces I recognized and several I'd never seen. Though I've been in meetings with many of these people, what was shared in this one was different, more different than the regular meeting-to-meeting getting to know a little about someone. More so like everyone was new, not to the program, but to the area. All the sharing was fresh and real and unprepared, uncrafted - authentic.

At the end of the meeting, my friend and another fellow picked up their 3-month chips. It was great to see. Another change this meeting has incorporated is chips for every month of one's first year of sobriety. I like that, too. It's encouraging, I think, to recognize the monthly progress for newcomers and retreads. I know the 30-day chips I got were milestone markers and that, though trying to go one day at a time, the idea of going two more months 'til another chip seemed huge. Then going three more months to get another and three more months and three more months to get that brass ring (uh, bronze token) seemed like interminable expanses of time. Still, I got there, though it did take a few start-over, 30-day and 90-day chips to get there. (BTW: The "standard" chip scheme for our area is: aluminum for start or start over, green for 30 days, red for 90 days, blue for 6 months, yellow for nine months and bronze for each year.) On December 22, I'll have (hopefully) 2 years and 6 months of sobriety. Yes, the months still matter (and the days, hours and minutes, too), just like when we're little, we don't go from 5 years old to 6 years old, it's 5, 5 and a half, almost 6 and finally 6. :-P

All in all, I was very refreshed and recharged and am looking forward to attending next week's meeting. It's a shame it's parallel to one of the gay meetings I'm fond of, but shaking up my meeting schedule is a good thing. I'll still get to the gay one from time to time.

I've been pretty slack on rAAnch and have even considered killing the domain and rolling into samiam.com. After talking with a friend last night about our need to call people, especially when people call us just 'cause we're s'posed to. I do return calls, but I;ve gotten out of the habit of being the first caller. I have (again) added that to my calendar and will get a reminder everyday at 12:30 p.m. We've agreed we'll check with each other each evening to see that we've made at least one call.

In recognizing that I need to start calling folks again, I also know that I need to take the time, even just five minutes, to make regular posts here. So, that's what I'm going to do. I've got to remember that these things are for me! They help me to stay sober and right-sized. If someone gets some help from me doing these things, that's most wonderful, but it's all ultimately about me. Isn't it funny how we have to learn that it's not all about us in order to learn to be of service to others only to find that the act of doing the service is what helps us - that by learning it's not all about us we learn that it is, just not how we thought?

Yeah yeah, I know... I need to post something other than hnT. It'll happen when it's s'posed to...

'Til then, here's another hnT. It's here, too!

snarf!